Rixty Minutes

Summer: Boring.
Rick: Summer, you just spent three months, watching a man choose a fake wife.

Rick: Letterman from a time line where Jerry’s famous-
Jerry: Wait!
Beth: What in the hell?
Rick: I agree. Where is this going?
Jerry: No, the other thing! Go back!
Rick: Really? All right, fine.
Girl: Glenn, this is a court order. It says you can’t eat shit anymore.
Rick: All right, Jerry, when you’re right, you’re right. Now I’m hooked.

Jerry: Sometimes small true-true different than da big true-true.

Rick: Now who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate self?
Jerry: I want to obsess about myself.

Rick: I’m proud of you, Morty.
Morty: Hey man, I don’t give a crap about myself, Rick.

Ants-In-My-Eyes-Johnson: I’m Ants-In-My-Eyes Johnson, Here at Ants-in-My-Eyes Johnson’s Electronics. I mean, there’s so many ants in my eyes! And there’s so many TVs, microwaves, radios I think, I can’t I’m not 100% sure what we have here in stock, because I can’t see anything. Our prices I hope aren’t too low! Check out this refrigerator! Only $200! What about this microwave? Only $100! That’s fair! I’m Ants-in-My-Eyes Johnson! Everything’s black, I can’t see a thing! And also I can’t feel anything either, did I mention that? But that’s not as catchy as having ants in your eyes. So that always goes, you know, off by the wayside. I can’t feel. It’s a very rare disease. All my-all my nerves, they don’t allow for the sensation of touch. So I never know what’s going on. Am I standing? Sitting? I don’t know.

Beth: What do you see?
Jerry: Whiteness. Pure whiteness.
Johnny Depp: You’re my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you.
Jerry: Whoa I love doing cocaine with you too, Johnny Depp!

Summer: I don’t see anything.
Beth: Well, you should select a different timeline, I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there’s a chance you weren’t even born. That came out wrong. That came out very wrong.
Summer: Fine, I’ll find a world where you bothered to have me.

Voice Over: It’s a 45 horsepower with anti-lock brakes, and it’s the official car of Mr. Sneezy 3D. It’s the brand-new Sneezy XL. The horn when you honk it makes a sneeze noise. It’s polite, it’s right, and it’s Sneezy Deezy Mc Deluxe.
Mr. Sneezy: Oh, I’m Mr. Sneezy! Achoo!
Morty: Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it.
Rick: Yeah, it’s got an almost improvisational tone.

Voice Over: It’s in theaters now! Coming this summer: Two brothers. In a van. And then a meteor hit. And they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters. And then a giant tornado came, and that’s when things got knocked into 12th gear. A Mexican armada shows up. With weapons made from To-tomatoes. And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business. In: Alien Invasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who Are Just Regular Brothers, Running In a van from an Asteroid and All Sorts of Things THE MOVIE! Hold on, there’s more! Old women are coming, and they’re also in the movie, and they’re gonna come, and cross attack these two brothers. But let’s get back to the brothers, because they’re-they have a strong bond. You don’t want to know about it here, but I’ll tell you one thing: The moon it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then? It’s two brothers and and th-they’re It’s called Two brothers Two brothers! It’s just called Two Brothers.

Summer: Ooh, we’re not playing Yahtzee, we’re playing Chutes and Ladders. It seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don’t know predictable?
Beth: When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals.
Jerry: Gimme a break! We’re not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night.
Beth: Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back.
Jerry: Now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables!
Beth: What are you talking about?
Jerry: All this time, you’ve been thinking, “What if that loser Jerry hadn’t talked me out of the abortion?” Well now you know, you’d be a doctor. Whoop-dee-doo. You’d also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I’d be on DiCaprio’s yacht, banging Kristen Stewart!
Summer: You thought about getting an abortion?
Beth: Everyone thinks about it. Obviously, I’m the version of me that didn’t do it. So you’re welcome.
Jerry: Yeah, you’re welcome.
Summer: Yeah, thank you guys so much. It’s a real treat to be raised by parents that force themselves to be together instead of being happy.
Rick: Hey, do we have any wafer cookies? Oh, boy. Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don’t have it as good, huh? That’s too bad. You know, me and Morty are having a blast, We just discovered a show called “Ball Fondlers”. I mean, I don’t want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.

Voice Over: It’s Saturday Night Live! Starring a piece of toast! Two guys, with handle-bar mustaches! A man painted silver who makes robot noises! Gar Manarnar! Three uh uh, uh, uh, I’ll get back to that one… A hole in the wall, where the men can see it all, and returning, for his 25th consecutive year: Bobby Moynihan!
Rick: Interesting fun fact, uh, Moynihan and piece of toast hate each other. Apparently they’ve got some real creative differences.

Real Fake Doors Guy: Hey, are you tired of real doors, cluttering up your house, where you open ’em, and they actually go somewhere? And you go in another room? Get on down to “Real Fake Doors”! That’s us. Fill a whole room up with ’em. See? Watch, check this out! Won’t open. Won’t open. Not this one, not this one. None of ’em open! FakeDoors.com is our website, so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake doooooooors!
Morty: Hey, wait a minute, Rick. I thought this was a commercial. What’s going on? I mean-
Rick: Relax, Morty. Don’t worry about it Let’s just just see where this goes.
Real Fake Doors Guy: Step on it, we all got places to be! Son of a bitch!
Morty: See, that must be where he lives OK.
Rick: Huh. Making himself a sandwich now.
Real Fake Doors Guy: Hey everybody! So this is my house, I just made a sandwich, peanut butter and jelly, still here, still selling fake doors!
Morty: What?
Rick: Oh, my God! It’s still the commercial!
Real Fake Doors Guy: We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe! What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Call us up, and order some fake doors today. Don’t even hesitate, Don’t even worry and don’t even-
Rick: All right, I’m bored. Change it.
Morty: Wait wait, Rick! Hold on.
Real Fake Doors Guy: -give it a second thought. That’s our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen, below our name. Here’s another slogan, right below that one. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Get in here quick, get out quicker, with an arm of fake doors in you arms.
Morty: Okay, okay, you can change it.

Gazorpazorpfield: I hate Mumunmunundsdays. And I really could go for some enchiladas.
Morty: Hey Rick, that’s pretty cool! It’s just like Garfield, only instead, it’s Gazorpazorpfield.
Rick: Hey, isn’t Gazorpazorp where uh where those Sex robots came from, remember? That whole thing?
Morty: Yeah hey, that’s a pretty, pretty that’s true. That’s right!
Rick: Yeah. Let’s watch some more Gazorpazorpfield!
Gazorpazorpfield: Hey Jon, it’s me, Gazorpazorpfield. Boy. Fuck you, Jon. You fuckin’ dumb, stupid, idiot.
Jon: Come on, Gazorpazorpfield, go easy on me, huh?
Gazorpazorpfield: You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white uh, uh guilt, white guilt, milquetoast piece of human garbage.
Jon: Jeez, Gazorpazorpfield, that’s, you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.
Gazorpazorpfield: I don’t give a fuck! I’m Gazorpazorp-fucking-field, bitch! Now give me my fucking enchiladas!
Morty: Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.
Rick: No, Morty, it’s Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he’s still alive.
Morty: Oh, okay, was his name Lorenzo Music?
Rick: Yeah, I’m pretty sure. He also did that voice of that one guy from Ghostbusters. Which is really strange, because it’s the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp or Garfield, I mean.
Morty: Yeah, that’s pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality too?
Rick: I don’t know. Just making conversation with you, Morty. What do you think? I-I-I-I know everything about everything?

Voice Over: Man. Woman. And now trunk men? We know science has created men that have a trunk that allows them to have sex with both male and female partners. But we don’t like the idea of these people getting married. Put a line in the sand everybody–people! Vote no on proposition XW2.
Guy: The act that says that gay uh trunk people can get married. Who needs it?
Guy 2: Not on my watch!
Voice Over: Paid for by Michael Dennys and The Denny Singers.

Trunk Person: Hi, I’m a trunk person. And I want I-I feel love in my heart, too, just like you.
I want to be able to express that love, with both a man and a woman. And I won’t be able to If Denny and The Denny Singers get their way.
Guy: Hey, let the trunk people have sex and get married, huh?
Voice Over: Paid for by…Trunk People.

Tophat Jones: Oh, I love me Strawberry Smiggles! Ooh, I hope nobody ever gets my hands on me, and tries to steal my Strawberry Smiggles. I’m going to eat every last one of them, because and then they’ll be in my stomach, and nobody will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they’re going to be all inside my stomach. I’m my name is Mister Top Hat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sniggy, little pig-dul smiggles. I’m keeping ’em all for me. Last bite. Oh, now they are all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am I feeling good. No! Get away from me! Get away from me and my Strawberry Smiggles! No! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! It hurts! My entrails are out! Why would you even want to eat these? They’re soaked with my stomach acid! Oh, Jesus Christ! Lord and savior and spirit! Save me! Take me to the light! Oh, my God, I see Demons! I see demons are coming!
Morty: Jeez, Rick. Oh my god! That’s some pretty hardcore stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.
Rick: Well, you know, Morty, I mean, you want to sell boxes of cereal, you gotta, you gotta, pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Morty.

Voice Over: In a world, where muscular mannies, are coming, and they’re coming strong, there’s only three unmuscular Michaels.
Unmuscular Michael: Get down! Hurry, run!
Voice Over: And that’s when real turbulent juice is coming, and you gotta take care of it. With turbulent juice, Turmulent tables. No room is safe from the turbulent power of turbulent juice.
Morty: What in the hell?
Rick: Sex sells, Morty.
Morty: Sex sells what? Was that a movie, or like, does it clean stuff?

Morty: Hey, uh Y-Y-Y-You doin’ okay? I-I-I kind of know how you feel, Summer.
Summer: No, you don’t. You’re the little brother. You’re not the cause of your parents’ misery. You’re just a symptom of it.
Morty: Can I show you something?
Summer: Morty, no offense, but a drawing of me you made when you were 8 isn’t gonna make make me feel like less of an accident.
Morty: That, out there? That’s my grave.
Summer: Wait, what?
Morty: On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world. So we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one.
Because in this one, the world wasn’t destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a-a-and we buried ourselves, and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast, 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse.
Summer: So, you’re not my brother?
Morty: I’m better than your brother. I’m a version of your brother you can trust when he says, “Don’t run”. Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody’s gonna die. Come watch TV.

Voice Over: Last Will and Testa-meow: Weekend at Dead Cat Lady’s House 2.
Jerry: Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost their job.
Voice Over: Written and directed by Jerry Smith.