Pilot

Rick: I’m sorry, Morty, it’s a bummer. In reality, you’re as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them up just to get your parents off my back. So now we’re gonna have to go get more. And then we’re gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty. And you’re gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Morty. Because the world is full of idiots that don’t understand what’s important. And they’ll tear us apart, Morty.

But if you stick with me, I’m gonna accomplish great things, Morty. And you’re gonna be part of them. And together, we’re gonna run around, Morty. We’re gonna- do all kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty. The outside world is our enemy, Morty. We’re the only friends we’ve got, Morty.

It’s just Rick and Morty. Rick and Morty and their adventures, Morty. Rick and Morty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty’s things. Me and Rick and Morty running around, and Rick and Morty time. All day long forever. All a hundred days. Rick and Morty forever a hundred times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. www.rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

Morty: Ow! You’re tugging me too hard!

Beth: Morty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice kiss the living room pillow, the dog sleeps on it.

Mr. Goldenfold: Morty! What are you doing to me?
Morty *mumbling and fondling Mr. Goldenfold*: Jessica…Jessica.
Mr. Goldenfold: Morty!
Morty *mumbling and fondling Mr. Goldenfold*: Jessica…Jessica.
Mr. Goldenfold: Five more minutes of this and I’m gonna get mad. Not my fault this is happening.

Rick: There’s ways to get back home Morty, it-it-it’s just gonna be a bit of a hassle. We’re gonna have to go through inter-dimensional customs. So, you’re gonna have to do me a real solid.
Morty: Uh oh.
Rick: When we get to customs, I’m gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom. And I’m gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole Morty.
Morty: In my butt?
Rick: Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Morty: Oh, geez, Rick. I really don’t want to have to do that.
Rick: Well, somebody’s got to do it, Morty. Th-these seeds aren’t gonna get throught customs unless they’re in somebody’s rectum, Morty.
Morty: *whimpers*
Rick: And they’ll fall right out of mine. I’ve done this too many times, Morty. I mean, you’re young. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Morty. Y-you’ve got to put these seeds inside your butt.
Morty: In my butt?
Rick: Come on, Morty. Please, Morty. You have to do it, Morty.
Morty: Oh, man.

Alien: So, I told him, “Give me the blimfarx,” you know? This, this guy, he doesn’t understand interstellar currency.

Alien: It’s like, I’m trying to eat a flimflam like, that’s what we eat on Girvonesk.

Alien *over PA*: The glarp zone is for flarping and unglarping only.

Rick: I don’t like it here Morty, I can’t abide bureaucracy. I don’t like being told where to go and what to do, I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt?

Alien: Okay, next through. Except you, you go over there.
Rick: Why does he have to go over there?
Alien: Random check. He’s gotta go through the new machine.
Rick: What new *burps* what new machine?
Alien: It’s a new machine, it detects stuff all the way up your butt.

Rick: I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Morty. Cover me.
Morty: Oh, man. I mean, you know, I-I don’t want to shoot nobody. I mean-
Rick: They’re just robots Morty! It’s okay to shoot them, they’re robots!
*Morty shoots an alien*
Glenn: AAAHHHHHH!
Alien: Glenn’s bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children!
Morty: They’re not robots, Rick!
Rick: It’s a figure of speech, Morty. They’re bureaucrats, I don’t respect them. Just keep shooting, Morty. You have no idea what prison is like here!

Jerry: Oh, look, honey. It’s our son with Albert Ein-douche.
Beth: What?
Jerry: I’m an angry father, not an improviser.

Beth: Dad! How could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it’s not like he’s a hot girl. He can’t just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else’s.

Jerry: Oh, for crying out-He’s got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say?
Morty: I do?
Jerry: well, duh doy, son.