M. Night Shaym-Aliens!

Morty: What’s with mom?
Rick: Oh, what’s with mom? So, you’re saying that she’s acting weird? How soph*burps*isticated. Careful, guys. You’re gonna burn out the CPU with this one.

Goldenfold: All right, who can tell me What 5 x 9 is?
*students whispering* Morty?
Morty: Uh, me?
Goldenfold: What is 5 x 9?
Morty: Umm you know, it’s uhh at least 40.
*students gasp*
Goldenfold: Morty, that’s exactly correct! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Morty! Everybody, this is the best student.

Rick: Morty, u-uh, come on. There’s a family emergency.
Goldenfold: Stop right there! If he leaves, I’m giving him an “f.”
Rick: He doesn’t care.

Rick: Take a shower with me, Morty.

Morty: Ugh! I’m gonna get an “f” in class, Rick.
Rick: Morty, that’s not class. T-t-t-that wasn’t your teacher. This isn’t your school. This entire world is not the world. We’re inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship.
Morty: Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about?
Rick: It’s all fake *burps* Morty, all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Morty. I couldn’t say so until we got In the shower. They won’t monitor us in here.
Morty: Monitor us?! W-who?!
Rick: Zigerion scammers, Morty. The galaxy’s most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it’s lucky for us they’re also really uncomfortable with nudity.

Voice: This is earth radio. And now, here’s human music. *repetitive rhythmic beeping*
Jerry: hmm. Human music. I like it.

Rick: Uhp, uhp, uhp! Morty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It’s the only way we can speak freely.

Rick: W-what about that, Morty?
Morty: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Rick: Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven’t seen that somewhere in real life before?
Morty: No, no. I haven’t seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart Want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what i mean?
Rick: you’re missing the Point, Morty. Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No.

Jerry: Guess who just sold the apples campaign.
Beth: Who just sold the Apples campaign?
Jerry: Me! I guess it wasn’t a rip-off of “got milk?” after all. Guess someone was wrong.
Beth: Yes.
Jerry: Well, all is forgiven, Because right now, I’ve got an erection the size of an east coast lighthouse, and I’m coming home to share it with my Beautiful wife.
Beth: Okay.
Jerry: Wait really?
Beth: Yes.
Jerry: Yes! See you in 10 minutes!

Jerry: Yeah! You like that? Now who’s unremarkable? You hungry for apples? *squeaking intensifies* Are you hungry for apples?! *squeaking stops* *sighs deeply* *chuckles* Oh, my god. That’s the best sex I’ve ever had in my life.

Rick: Totes malotes, dawg.

Cynthia: Sir, the, uh, doctor’s appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was-
Prince Nebulon: Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific.

Prince Nebulon: Oh, my god, Rick. How dumb are you? You’re inside a simulation Of a simulation Inside another giant simulation! *laughs* W-we never had the recipe for Concentrated dark matter. But we do now! We do now, sucka!
Rick: you simulated my Grandson’s genitalia?! Y-y-you bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!
Zigerion: Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project.
Kevin: You said you weren’t gonna tell anyone! I’m never gonna live this down, am I?

Prince Nebulon: Oh, a-and by the way, I don’t have discolored butthole-flaps. That was part of the simulation.
Cynthia: Oh. Uh, sir, should i cancel that appointment, then?
Prince Nebulon: Yeah! Of course you should! *chuckles* No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can.

Prince Nebulon: All right, everybody. Two parts plutonic quarks one part cesium *fizzing* A-and listen, I’m sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn’t ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and i love all Your families. And the final ingredient-*ship blows up*
Jerry: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there?
Rick: why don’t you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. *burps* you can’t. They blew up.

Rick: Hey, Morty.
Morty: What?
Rick: Hey, little buddy.H-h-how you doing in here right now?
Morty: Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man?
Rick: Y-y-you’re a good kid, Morty. Y-you’re a real l-little c-character, Morty.
Morty: Oh, boy.
Rick: You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You’re my little friend, aren’t you? *sighs* We had some good times together, huh, m-Morty? We–You’re a real true hero out in The field. You’re a li–You’re a real trouper, huh, M-M-Morty?
Morty: Have you been drinking, Rick?
Rick: I really appreciate you, Morty.
Morty: O-Okay, cool. A-All right, Rick
Rick: You little son of a Bitch! Y-y are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?!
Morty: No! No! No!
Rick: You little son of a Bitch!
Morty: *gasping*
Rick: I-I-I’m sorry, Morty. Y-you’re a good You’re a good kid, Morty.
Morty: Geez!
Rick: Y-you’re a good You’re a good kid.
Morty: Oh, my god!
Rick: *snoring*
Morty: W-W-What the hell? What a life.