Season One

Rick: You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

Rick: I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.
Rick: Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick.
Rick: Hey, save your Rick-rules for the *burps* sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.
Rick: Fuck me, pal.
Rick: Fuck, you? No no no no no, fuck me.

Rick: Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your Grandpa.

Rick: Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks.

Rick: Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom. Which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds. rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you’ve ever known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds it stabs your balls.

Jerry: Yeah! You like that? Now who’s unremarkable? You hungry for apples? *squeaking intensifies* Are you hungry for apples?! *squeaking stops* *sighs deeply* *chuckles* Oh, my god. That’s the best sex I’ve ever had in my life.

Rick: W-what about that, Morty?
Morty: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Rick: Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven’t seen that somewhere in real life before?
Morty: No, no. I haven’t seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart Want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what i mean?
Rick: you’re missing the Point, Morty. Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No.

Prince Nebulon: All right, everybody. Two parts plutonic quarks one part cesium *fizzing* A-and listen, I’m sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn’t ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and i love all Your families. And the final ingredient-*ship blows up*
Jerry: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there?
Rick: why don’t you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. *burps* you can’t. They blew up.

Morty: What’s with mom?
Rick: Oh, what’s with mom? So, you’re saying that she’s acting weird? How soph*burps*isticated. Careful, guys. You’re gonna burn out the CPU with this one.

Rick: Uhp, uhp, uhp! Morty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It’s the only way we can speak freely.

Lucy: Cape Fear!

Birdperson: The beacon was activated, who is in danger?
Summer: Ugh, Grandpa!
Rick: Birdperson!
Birdperson: I am pleased there is no emergency.
Rick: Oh, there’s an emergency all right. A pussy emergency! When’s the last time you got laid, ‘Pers?
Birdperson: It has been a…challenging mating season for Birdperson.
Rick: Then it’s time to get your beak wet tonight, player. Go have some fun out there Birdp-Bird-Birdperson.

Rick: Huh, big star in the sky. Oxygen-rich atmosphere. Giant testicle monsters. We’ll be fine, let’s party!

Summer: This is my chance to gain some footing with the cool kids.
Rick: That’s why you party? Boy, you really are 17.
Summer: Why do you party?
Rick: To get *burps* wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

Birdperson: Morty, do you know what “wubba lubba dub dub” means?
Morty: Uh, that’s just Rick’s stupid nonsense catchphrase.
Birdperson: It’s not nonsense at all. In my people’s tongue it means, “I am in great pain, please help me.”
Morty: Well, I got news for you. He’s saying it ironically.
Birdperson: No, Morty, your Grandfather is indeed in very deep pain. That is why he must numb himself.
Morty: Come on, um…
Birdperson: Birdperson.
Morty: Come on, Birdperson. Rick’s not that complicated. He’s just a huge asshole.
Birdperson: Then why do you care so much if you are no longer allowed to continue on your adventures together? It appears fate has presented you with an opportunity to free yourself of Rick forever.
Morty: You know what? You’re right. I shouldn’t even care. This is probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I’m sick of having adventures with Rick.
Birdperson: My people have another saying, “gubba nub nub doo rah kah.” It means, “whatever lets you sleep at night.”

Rick: Listen, this is called oxytocin. I extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Morty? You know what a vole is? It’s a it’s a rodent tha mates for life, Morty. This is the chemical released in a mammal’s brain, you know, that makes it fall in love. All right, Morty, I just got to *burps* combine it with some of your DNA.
Morty: Oh, well, okay. *zipper opens*
Rick: A hair, Morty. I need one of your hairs. This isn’t “Game of Thrones.”

Rick: Uh, by the way, Morty, I know you didn’t ask or anything, but I’m not interested in having sex with you.