Season One

Rick: Uhp, uhp, uhp! Morty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It’s the only way we can speak freely.

Voice: This is earth radio. And now, here’s human music. *repetitive rhythmic beeping*
Jerry: hmm. Human music. I like it.

Rick: W-what about that, Morty?
Morty: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Rick: Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven’t seen that somewhere in real life before?
Morty: No, no. I haven’t seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart Want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what i mean?
Rick: you’re missing the Point, Morty. Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No.

Rick: Morty, u-uh, come on. There’s a family emergency.
Goldenfold: Stop right there! If he leaves, I’m giving him an “f.”
Rick: He doesn’t care.

Morty: Ugh! I’m gonna get an “f” in class, Rick.
Rick: Morty, that’s not class. T-t-t-that wasn’t your teacher. This isn’t your school. This entire world is not the world. We’re inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship.
Morty: Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about?
Rick: It’s all fake *burps* Morty, all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Morty. I couldn’t say so until we got In the shower. They won’t monitor us in here.
Morty: Monitor us?! W-who?!
Rick: Zigerion scammers, Morty. The galaxy’s most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it’s lucky for us they’re also really uncomfortable with nudity.

Morty: Hey Rick, I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out?
Rick: Whatever.
Jerry: Well, I mean, traditionally science-fairs are a father-son thing.
Rick: Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing.

Goldenfold: This aftershave made women want me but it also made me impotent!
Mr. Needful: A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. *laughs*
Goldenfold: *sobbing* Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! I deserved this!
Rick: This serum should *burps* couteract the negative effects.
Goldenfold: Holy cats! Ladies let’s get out of here. I haven’t learned a thing!

Mr. Needful: This aftershave makes a man quite irresistible to women. Free of charge. One never pays here, not with money.
Goldenfold: Nothing to read into there. Thanks!

Rick: Have you acquire creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeable ways? Bring it to “Curse Purge Plus.” *burps* I use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster but guess what? He would have had to run until he died, making them worthless. I removed the curse, making them worth, like, I don’t know, $8 million. See you at the Olympics. This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, now it does their taxes.
Doll: Everything’s deductible.
Rick: Don’t pay for cool stuff with your soul, pay for it with money. You know, like how every other store in the world works? We’re located at First and Main in Old Town. Come on-come on down.

King Flippy Nips: Pluto’s a fucking planet, bitch!

Mr. Meeseeks: okay, jerry, you got to jus choke up on the club!
Jerry: well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?!
Mr. Meeseeks: aww, come on, jerry, we’ve been over this. you know you got to do both!
Mr. Meeseeks: this is as frustrating for us as it is for you.
Jerry: don’t tell me that! that just puts pressure on me!
Mr. Meeseeks:just try to relax.
Jerry: You try to relax! have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!
Jerry: Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can’t imagine what you two must be going through.
Beth: Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry.
Jerry: You’re kidding me.
Beth: Notice anything different?
Jerry: I-I-I’m sorry, hours?
Summer: Dad, Mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You will lose her!
Jerry: Uhh..
Mr. Meeseeks: Hey Jerry, you mind if we get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don’t usually have to exist this long. It’s getting weird.

Rick: *panting* run! *gasps* Morty, do it! Hit the button now!
Morty: I can’t do it, Rick! They’re my parents and sister!
Rick: Morty, I already told you it’s not your family! They’re clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension’s future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already!

Mr. Meeseeks: Excuse me. I’m a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game?
Samantha: Oh, my god, Oh, my god! *crying* What about your short game?!

Dale (aka Giant Dan Harmon): I smell the blood of whoop! *crunch* *groaning*
Morty: Holy crap.
Rick: Oh, boy. He looks pretty bad down there, Morty. Looks like he’s bleeding out.
Dale’s Wife: Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches!
Morty: Oh, man.
Rick: Uh-oh.
Dale’s Wife: *speed-dialing* Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He’s dying!

Morty: I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were.
Rick: I don’t know, Morty. Some people’d pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough.

Jerry: Beth, do y-you still love me?
Beth: Ugh, what kind of question is that?
Jerry: The “yes or no” kind? *laughs nervously*
Beth: Jerry, do you wan homeless people to have homes?
Jerry: Yes.
Beth: Are you gonna build them?
Jerry: No.
Beth: Then what good was the “yes”?
Jerry: Wait, I-is loving me the house or the homeless people?
Beth: Loving you is work, Jerry, hard work, like building a homeless shelter nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me?
Jerry: Sort of.
Beth: Then I obviously sort of love you, don’t I? So stop asking, and maybe I’ll love you more.

Morty: Hey, there’s no dangers or anything, or side effects, right?
Rick: W-W-W-What am I, a hack? go nuts, Morty. It’s foolproof. *Morty leaves* Eh, unless she has the flu.