Season One

Gazorpazorpfield: I hate Mumunmunundsdays. And I really could go for some enchiladas.
Morty: Hey Rick, that’s pretty cool! It’s just like Garfield, only instead, it’s Gazorpazorpfield.
Rick: Hey, isn’t Gazorpazorp where uh where those Sex robots came from, remember? That whole thing?
Morty: Yeah hey, that’s a pretty, pretty that’s true. That’s right!
Rick: Yeah. Let’s watch some more Gazorpazorpfield!
Gazorpazorpfield: Hey Jon, it’s me, Gazorpazorpfield. Boy. Fuck you, Jon. You fuckin’ dumb, stupid, idiot.
Jon: Come on, Gazorpazorpfield, go easy on me, huh?
Gazorpazorpfield: You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white uh, uh guilt, white guilt, milquetoast piece of human garbage.
Jon: Jeez, Gazorpazorpfield, that’s, you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.
Gazorpazorpfield: I don’t give a fuck! I’m Gazorpazorp-fucking-field, bitch! Now give me my fucking enchiladas!
Morty: Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.
Rick: No, Morty, it’s Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he’s still alive.
Morty: Oh, okay, was his name Lorenzo Music?
Rick: Yeah, I’m pretty sure. He also did that voice of that one guy from Ghostbusters. Which is really strange, because it’s the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp or Garfield, I mean.
Morty: Yeah, that’s pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality too?
Rick: I don’t know. Just making conversation with you, Morty. What do you think? I-I-I-I know everything about everything?

Summer: Ooh, we’re not playing Yahtzee, we’re playing Chutes and Ladders. It seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don’t know predictable?
Beth: When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals.
Jerry: Gimme a break! We’re not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night.
Beth: Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back.
Jerry: Now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables!
Beth: What are you talking about?
Jerry: All this time, you’ve been thinking, “What if that loser Jerry hadn’t talked me out of the abortion?” Well now you know, you’d be a doctor. Whoop-dee-doo. You’d also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I’d be on DiCaprio’s yacht, banging Kristen Stewart!
Summer: You thought about getting an abortion?
Beth: Everyone thinks about it. Obviously, I’m the version of me that didn’t do it. So you’re welcome.
Jerry: Yeah, you’re welcome.
Summer: Yeah, thank you guys so much. It’s a real treat to be raised by parents that force themselves to be together instead of being happy.
Rick: Hey, do we have any wafer cookies? Oh, boy. Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don’t have it as good, huh? That’s too bad. You know, me and Morty are having a blast, We just discovered a show called “Ball Fondlers”. I mean, I don’t want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.

Voice Over: It’s in theaters now! Coming this summer: Two brothers. In a van. And then a meteor hit. And they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters. And then a giant tornado came, and that’s when things got knocked into 12th gear. A Mexican armada shows up. With weapons made from To-tomatoes. And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business. In: Alien Invasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who Are Just Regular Brothers, Running In a van from an Asteroid and All Sorts of Things THE MOVIE! Hold on, there’s more! Old women are coming, and they’re also in the movie, and they’re gonna come, and cross attack these two brothers. But let’s get back to the brothers, because they’re-they have a strong bond. You don’t want to know about it here, but I’ll tell you one thing: The moon it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then? It’s two brothers and and th-they’re It’s called Two brothers Two brothers! It’s just called Two Brothers.

Beth: What do you see?
Jerry: Whiteness. Pure whiteness.
Johnny Depp: You’re my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you.
Jerry: Whoa I love doing cocaine with you too, Johnny Depp!

Voice Over: Man. Woman. And now trunk men? We know science has created men that have a trunk that allows them to have sex with both male and female partners. But we don’t like the idea of these people getting married. Put a line in the sand everybody–people! Vote no on proposition XW2.
Guy: The act that says that gay uh trunk people can get married. Who needs it?
Guy 2: Not on my watch!
Voice Over: Paid for by Michael Dennys and The Denny Singers.

Summer: This is my chance to gain some footing with the cool kids.
Rick: That’s why you party? Boy, you really are 17.
Summer: Why do you party?
Rick: To get *burps* wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

Rick: Yo! What up my Glip Glops?!

Beth: I can’t help but feel a little guilty. I didn’t peg Lucy for a rapist.
Jerry: What does a rapist look like exactly, Beth? Is it a Slavic man wearing a denim jacket with a patchy beard and the scent of cheap champagne wafting over it’s blister-pocked lips?
Beth: What?

Tammy: I like your feathers.
Birdperson: They are designed to attract the attention of the female.
Tammy: It’s working.
Birdperson: Tammy, I should let you know I just got out of a highly intense soul bond with my previous spirit mate.
Tammy: I’m not looking to get into a soul bond. I’m just looking for…
Birdperson: I believe Birdperson can arrange that.

Lucy: Cape Fear!

Jerry: Yeah! You like that? Now who’s unremarkable? You hungry for apples? *squeaking intensifies* Are you hungry for apples?! *squeaking stops* *sighs deeply* *chuckles* Oh, my god. That’s the best sex I’ve ever had in my life.

Voice: This is earth radio. And now, here’s human music. *repetitive rhythmic beeping*
Jerry: hmm. Human music. I like it.

Prince Nebulon: All right, everybody. Two parts plutonic quarks one part cesium *fizzing* A-and listen, I’m sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn’t ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and i love all Your families. And the final ingredient-*ship blows up*
Jerry: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there?
Rick: why don’t you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. *burps* you can’t. They blew up.

Cynthia: Sir, the, uh, doctor’s appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was-
Prince Nebulon: Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific.

Morty: What’s with mom?
Rick: Oh, what’s with mom? So, you’re saying that she’s acting weird? How soph*burps*isticated. Careful, guys. You’re gonna burn out the CPU with this one.

Morty: What do I do if it cries?
Beth: Then you put it down and let it cry itself out.
Jerry: Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer and she is gonna end up stripping. Isn’t she? Yes she is. She is gonna strip for attention because she was denied it.
Beth: Stop filling it with your own insecurity. You’re gonna turn it into Mort-uh-mm-more more more of you.

Summer: You speak when you’re spoken to ding-a-ling!