Season One

Robot: What is my purpose?
Rick: You pass butter.
Robot: Oh, my god!
Rick: Yeah, welcome to the club pal.

Scroopy Noopers: Is everyone in your family an idiot?
Morty: For sure, me and my dad are.

Rick: Have you acquire creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeable ways? Bring it to “Curse Purge Plus.” *burps* I use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster but guess what? He would have had to run until he died, making them worthless. I removed the curse, making them worth, like, I don’t know, $8 million. See you at the Olympics. This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, now it does their taxes.
Doll: Everything’s deductible.
Rick: Don’t pay for cool stuff with your soul, pay for it with money. You know, like how every other store in the world works? We’re located at First and Main in Old Town. Come on-come on down.

Jerry: I think I know what the “A” in N.A.S.A. stands for.

King Flippy Nips: Pluto’s a fucking planet, bitch!

Rick: Hey, it’s a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Morty?
Morty: Yeah, Rick, I-I heard you the first time. You don’t have to keep saying it over and over.

Rick: What’s that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh my god, this is rich! I’ve got like *burps* ten Ricks to call right now.

Morty: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick? I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass.
Rick: All right, Morty. Don’t break an arm jerking yourself off.

Rick: Earth Rick C-137, the council apologizes for its false accusation. And in the way of reparations *burps* for our terrible mistake, we would like to compensate you with voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that y-*burps*our current *burps* Morty should-
Rick: Uh, guys, not a good time.

Rick: That’s Rick-diculous.

Rick: I-I-I-If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month.

Mr. Meeseeks: In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the mos valuable and enriching experience of your young lives. I’m Mr. Meeseeks, look at me!

Mr. Meeseeks: I’m Mr. Meeseeks, look at me!

Rick: Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Morty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it’s gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Morty. You know, I-I-I-It’ll be really easy to rape us after that.
Morty: We’re gonna be okay, Rick.
Rick: How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Morty. You know, w-w-w-what do you think’s gonna happen, some magical angel’s gonna show up and then-
Lawyer: Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties! Your honor, I’m from a tiny-persons advocacy group and I have here in my hand a motion to dismiss. These little men were never read their giant rights and are therefore free-fi to fo-home.
Rick: W-What the hell is he talking about?
Lawyer: They’re free to go, is what i meant. I-I-I’m deconstructing our our our thing we say. For giants. Nobody got that? Whatever.

Mr. Meeseeks: okay, jerry, you got to jus choke up on the club!
Jerry: well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?!
Mr. Meeseeks: aww, come on, jerry, we’ve been over this. you know you got to do both!
Mr. Meeseeks: this is as frustrating for us as it is for you.
Jerry: don’t tell me that! that just puts pressure on me!
Mr. Meeseeks:just try to relax.
Jerry: You try to relax! have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!
Jerry: Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can’t imagine what you two must be going through.
Beth: Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry.
Jerry: You’re kidding me.
Beth: Notice anything different?
Jerry: I-I-I’m sorry, hours?
Summer: Dad, Mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You will lose her!
Jerry: Uhh..
Mr. Meeseeks: Hey Jerry, you mind if we get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don’t usually have to exist this long. It’s getting weird.

Lucy: Cape Fear!

Rick: Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler?
Summer: I thought everyone was welcome.
Rick: It’s not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac, just a misguided effort of mine to create morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out it *burps* just adds up to a lame, weird loser.
Abradolph Lincoler: Rick, you brought me into this world. A suffering abomination, tortured by the duality of its being. But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from your wretched body!
Brad: Whoa! What’s up, man?
Abradolph Lincoler: I have no quarrel with you, boy.
Brad: “Boy”? What’s that supposed to mean?
Abradolph Lincoler: It’s just-l-look, I-I don’t know how you thought I meant it, but..
Rick: Don’t look at me, dude.
Abradolph Lincoler: Look, I’m half-Abraham Lincoln, so-
Brad: So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?!
Abradolph Lincoler: Well, no, but…uhh…You know?
Brad: What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years?