Rick and Morty Quotes

Cynthia: Sir, the, uh, doctor’s appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was-
Prince Nebulon: Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific.

Jerry: Guess who just sold the apples campaign.
Beth: Who just sold the Apples campaign?
Jerry: Me! I guess it wasn’t a rip-off of “got milk?” after all. Guess someone was wrong.
Beth: Yes.
Jerry: Well, all is forgiven, Because right now, I’ve got an erection the size of an east coast lighthouse, and I’m coming home to share it with my Beautiful wife.
Beth: Okay.
Jerry: Wait really?
Beth: Yes.
Jerry: Yes! See you in 10 minutes!

Prince Nebulon: Oh, a-and by the way, I don’t have discolored butthole-flaps. That was part of the simulation.
Cynthia: Oh. Uh, sir, should i cancel that appointment, then?
Prince Nebulon: Yeah! Of course you should! *chuckles* No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can.

Morty: Ugh! I’m gonna get an “f” in class, Rick.
Rick: Morty, that’s not class. T-t-t-that wasn’t your teacher. This isn’t your school. This entire world is not the world. We’re inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship.
Morty: Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about?
Rick: It’s all fake *burps* Morty, all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Morty. I couldn’t say so until we got In the shower. They won’t monitor us in here.
Morty: Monitor us?! W-who?!
Rick: Zigerion scammers, Morty. The galaxy’s most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it’s lucky for us they’re also really uncomfortable with nudity.

Rick: Totes malotes, dawg.

Rick: Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler?
Summer: I thought everyone was welcome.
Rick: It’s not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac, just a misguided effort of mine to create morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out it *burps* just adds up to a lame, weird loser.
Abradolph Lincoler: Rick, you brought me into this world. A suffering abomination, tortured by the duality of its being. But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from your wretched body!
Brad: Whoa! What’s up, man?
Abradolph Lincoler: I have no quarrel with you, boy.
Brad: “Boy”? What’s that supposed to mean?
Abradolph Lincoler: It’s just-l-look, I-I don’t know how you thought I meant it, but..
Rick: Don’t look at me, dude.
Abradolph Lincoler: Look, I’m half-Abraham Lincoln, so-
Brad: So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?!
Abradolph Lincoler: Well, no, but…uhh…You know?
Brad: What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years?

Lucy: Cape Fear!

Beth: I can’t help but feel a little guilty. I didn’t peg Lucy for a rapist.
Jerry: What does a rapist look like exactly, Beth? Is it a Slavic man wearing a denim jacket with a patchy beard and the scent of cheap champagne wafting over it’s blister-pocked lips?
Beth: What?

Birdperson: Morty, do you know what “wubba lubba dub dub” means?
Morty: Uh, that’s just Rick’s stupid nonsense catchphrase.
Birdperson: It’s not nonsense at all. In my people’s tongue it means, “I am in great pain, please help me.”
Morty: Well, I got news for you. He’s saying it ironically.
Birdperson: No, Morty, your Grandfather is indeed in very deep pain. That is why he must numb himself.
Morty: Come on, um…
Birdperson: Birdperson.
Morty: Come on, Birdperson. Rick’s not that complicated. He’s just a huge asshole.
Birdperson: Then why do you care so much if you are no longer allowed to continue on your adventures together? It appears fate has presented you with an opportunity to free yourself of Rick forever.
Morty: You know what? You’re right. I shouldn’t even care. This is probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I’m sick of having adventures with Rick.
Birdperson: My people have another saying, “gubba nub nub doo rah kah.” It means, “whatever lets you sleep at night.”

Beth: Speaking of disasters, Dad, we are leaving you in charge.
Rick: I know, c-can we wrap this up? Morty and I *burps* have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage.
Beth: Hey, don’t blow me off. I am drawing a line, okay? Any damage to this house or these children when we get back…and n-no more adventures with Morty.
Morty: Aw, geez, Rick, if my mom who’s the one saying it, then you know it’s pretty serious this time.
Beth and Jerry: That’s right.
Jerry: Wait, what?
Rick: Listen, you have my word as a caregiver, everything’s gonna be fine. And if not, no more adventures or whatever. It’s like that old song, “Blomp Blomp-a Noop Noop A-Noop Noop Noop.” Y-You guys know that song? From Tiny Rogerts? You never heard of it? Y-You know, the black effeminate guy from the ’50s? A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares? Just go on your stupid trip.
Jerry: Not one thing out of place. *starts car, backs out of driveway* Not a single thing. *drives away*
*Eels melt through garage door, door falls off*
Summer: Well, we’re past the point of no return. I’m going to have a party!

Morty Jr: My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government’s lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn’t born on Christmas, they moved the date, it was a pagan holiday!

Morty: Hey, Rick You think maybe I could get something from this place? Like a souvenir? Like just to have, like something cool, you know? Rick: Not here Morty. We’ll stop somewhere else, because you know, there is always another pawn shop.
Morty: OK, I just You know, I thought that robot over there, looked pretty cool, you know?
Rick: Oh, it looks cool, huh? That’s why you want it?
Morty: Yeah, you know? I mean it’s different from the stuff on earth. And you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy and you know, I don’t really have anything to to remember all those trips by. It’d be kind of cool like a souvenir, you know? Like what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn’t even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know.
Rick: Okay, 60 for the resonator and my grandson wants the sex robot.

Rick: I might have just touched one of Morty’s loads.

Rick: Great, now I have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs.

Morty: What do I do if it cries?
Beth: Then you put it down and let it cry itself out.
Jerry: Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer and she is gonna end up stripping. Isn’t she? Yes she is. She is gonna strip for attention because she was denied it.
Beth: Stop filling it with your own insecurity. You’re gonna turn it into Mort-uh-mm-more more more of you.

Rick: Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks.

Rick: I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.
Rick: Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick.
Rick: Hey, save your Rick-rules for the *burps* sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.
Rick: Fuck me, pal.
Rick: Fuck, you? No no no no no, fuck me.