Paradigms of Human Memory

Shirley: Can we please stop fighting? We’re starting to hurt innocent perverts.

Annie: I can’t believe this is our twentieth and final diorama of the year.
Britta: I can’t believe our assignment is to make a diorama of us making our nineteenth diorama.
Jeff: Oh come on, my forehead is not this big.

Chang: Trust me, I know these vents like the back of my chang.

Pierce: Is that a new stereotype?

Jeff: Harrison Ford is irradiating our testicles with microwave satellite transmissions!

Jeff: It’s not you, it’s me.
Britta: It’s you.

Britta: Feast your ear tongues on these memory pops.

Jeff: Pierce, you’ve had three flu shots, that’s for the day care center!
Pierce: I’ll be a living God!

Abed: The Cape is premiering!
Britta: Humanity is premiering you jag!

Jeff: It’s called chemistry. I have it with everybody.
Shirley: Everybody? I haven’t felt any of that chemistry coming my way. I don’t know if it’s because you’re racist or because I intimidate you sexually, but I know it’s one of those two.

Jeff: Abed! Stop being meta, why do you always have to take whatever happens to us and shove it up it’s own ass?

Jeff: Abed, you’re a computer. Scan your mainframe for some juicy memories.
Abed: Jeff and Britta are having secret sex!

Troy: Didn’t we decide at the beginning of the year that for the good of the group we wouldn’t allow any intimacy between each other or ourselves?
Jeff: Troy, we never said ourselves.
Troy: OK, now I’m really mad!
Shirley: So am I, now we know why our year has been so horrible. It’s not God that hates us, it’s Jeff and Britta.
Britta: Oh please if we were ruining your year why didn’t you even know about it?
Annie: Maybe we so distracted by all the other times you 2 put yourselves before the group.
Jeff: What? When have we ever put our selves before the group?
Pierce: You want examples?
Troy: I think they want some examples, Pierce.
Pierce: OK let’s give them some examples, Troy drop a beat.
Troy: Just give them some examples.
Pierce: Fine.

Shirley: We need to talk.
Jeff: These people are giving out free iPhones!

Troy: That dude was hard core racist. Like 1800’s Disney style.
Troy: We learned new ways to hate ourselves.

Troy: It’s like a reverse cow birth!

Troy: I’m Jeff Winger, does this hard boiled egg make me look fat?
Abed: I’m Jeff Winger. I love working this Blackberry because it really tones my thumbs.
Jeff: It was particularly small egg, that’s why I was asking.

Troy: You can yell at me all you want, I’ve seen enough movies to know that popping the back of a raft makes it go faster

Jeff: The shows gonna last 3 weeks!
Abed: Six seasons and a movie!

Jeff: Look, we’ve known each other for almost two years now. And yeah, in that time, I’ve given a lot of speeches. But they all have one thing in common: they’re all different. These drug-runners aren’t going to execute Pierce because he’s racist! It’s a locomotive that runs… on us. And the only sharks in that water- are the emotional ghosts that I like to call: fear, anchovies, fear, and the dangers of ingesting mercury. Because the real bugs aren’t the ones in those beds. And there’s no such thing as a free Caesar salad. And even if there were, The Cape still might find a second life on cable. And I’ll tell you why: El corazon de la agua es verdad. That water… is a lie! Harrison Ford is irradiating our testicles with microwave satellite transmissions!
So maybe we are caught in an endless cycle of screw-ups and hurt feelings. But I choose to believe it’s just the universe’s way of molding us into some kind of supergroup.
Troy: Like the Traveling Wilburys.
Jeff: Yes, Troy. Like the Traveling Wilburys of pain. Prepared for any insane adventure life throws our way. And I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to every one of them.