Remedial Chaos Theory

Britta: Didn’t they say 304?
Annie: No, 303. I wrote it down twice.

Troy and Abed: Troy and Abed’s new apartment!

Britta: You guys-you guys look so fancy.
Abed: Thanks, we read a book on how to be the perfect party hosts. Rule number one, dress to impress.
Troy: Rule number two, avoid touchy topics like the “negro problem.” The book was written in the 40s.

Abed: Shirley showed up at 3.
Shirley: Time flies when I’m baking.
Troy: No, it doesn’t.

Abed: Let me give you ladies the grand tour. Bathroom, kitchen, who cares, and this is my scale model of the rolling boulder scene from Raiders. With actual rolling boulder.
*Adios, Sapito*
Annie and Britta: Ahhh!.
Abed: Pretty cool, huh?
Britta: Super cool, and sexy. Super Sexy Cool.
Annie: Overselling it.

Shirley: I made pizza!
Abed: But we ordered real pizza.
Shirley: Well there’s nothing more real than homemade. You didn’t have some of the ingredients so I used ketchup and cream cheese.
Abed: We ordered REAL pizza.

*Troy walks in with Jeff and Pierce*
Troy: Bienvenido de la Casa Chez Trobed.
Jeff: Very nice, oh look Indiana Jones and the Apartment of Perpetual Virginity.
Troy: Ahahaha, chop busted fellow adult. Chop busted.

Pierce: It’s nice, not mansion nice but it’s nice. Didn’t you used to live in a mansion with me?
Troy: Yeah, but this is more my speed and century.
Pierce: Doesn’t bother me, I’ve hardly missed you at all since I had you removed from my portraits.

Jeff: Yeah, sorry. I’ve got an invite to the opening of a new club, look at this place. It’s like it was designed for me.
Abed: It was, I made that in Photoshop and mailed it to you a month again so that you’d keep tonight open on your calendar.
Jeff: There’s no such thing as Single Malt Platinum Boobs And Billiards club? I guess I never said it out loud.

Pierce: Is there nothing from our youth that these companies won’t repackage for a buck? Call it Yahtzee all you want, everybody knows it’s Puerto Rican chess.

Annie *gasps*
Jeff: Annie, it’s just the buzzer.
Abed: We can’t buzz him up, someone has to go down.
Jeff: *groas*
Jeff: Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.
Abed: Just so you know Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.
Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.

*rolls a two*
Jeff: Two. One two, Annie.
Annie: Okay, fine. I guess I’m going down.
Pierce: All this talk of going down. Did you guys know I had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom?
*groans*
Jeff: We’re about to eat.
Pierce: It’s not namedropping if it comes up organically.

Britta: Roxan-
Jeff: NO!

Troy: Uh, guys? What does a pregnancy test look like?
Jeff: Like a thin piece of plastic with a thing on the end of it.
Troy: Okay, so this is definitely a gun.

Troy: Jeff, what are we gonna do about this?
Jeff: I’m gonna get a drink. *hits head on ceiling fan* OW!
Pierce: *laughs*
Jeff: What’s so funny?
Pierce: *laughing* I don’t know, people hitting their heads.

Abed: Smells weird.
Britta: I beg your pardon?
Abed: Smells weird, what did you do?
Britta: Abed, you don’t ask someone a question like that. It’s not dignified.
*Annie walks in with the pizzas*
Britta: PIZZA!
Britta: Pizza pizza go in tummy, me so hungy me so hungy.
Annie: That pizza guy was super creepy.
Jeff: So, you’re saying he was a pizza guy?
Abed: I wonder what happened in those other timelines.
Jeff: Abed, there are no other timelines.

*doorbell buzzer*
Jeff: *groans*
Jeff: Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.
Abed: Just so you know Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.
Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.
*rolls a four*
Jeff: Four. One, two, three, four-Shirley.
Shirley: Okay, just don’t let my pies burn.

Jeff: Now, I don’t like being the bad guy anymore than anybody else-
Britta: Roxa-
Jeff: NO!

Jeff: We have a pact, we do not enable her baking. It’s gonna be better for her in the long run.
Pierce: Heh, you know who got it in the long run. Eartha Kitt, when I nailed her in the airplane bathroom.
*groaning*
Annie: Ew, Pierce.
Pierce: What? Came up organically.

Pierce: What? It’s a traditional Norwegian troll. When Troy and I were living together, I had it on display in the hall. You know, outside his bedroom. He seemed very taken with it.
Jeff: *laughs*
Troy: It used to watch me sleep!
Annie: Pierce! Shame on you. Jeff, what are you gonna do about this?
Jeff: I’m gonna get a drink. *hits head on ceiling fan* OW!
Pierce: *laughs*

Britta: It’s not dignified.
*Shirley walks in with the pizzas*
Britta: PIZZA! Pizza pizza in my tummy, me so hungy me so hungy.

Shirley: Did someone remember to take out my pies?
*everyone looks at each other*
Shirley: Seriously? Oh! Oh! Oh, no. SERIOUSLY!?
Jeff: Shirley, it doesn’t matter. We weren’t going to eat them. You’re not allowed to have “baking things” as an identity.
Shirley: Excuse me for being the only married woman in a group full of horny toads who sit around all night just making googly eyes at each other.
Jeff and Annie: Googly eyes?
*they look at each other, Pierce holds up the troll in front of Troy*
Troy: *yelps*
Pierce: Shirley, it’s okay. No one makes googly eyes at me either. We’re the same.

Abed: I don’t know why she’s so upset, her pies probably didn’t burn in the other timelines.
Jeff: Abed, Shirley just had a nervous breakdown
Pierce: More like a nervous-
Jeff: Bake-down, I know, I didn’t say it on purpose. And Abed, there are no other timelines.

Jeff: Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.
Abed: Just so you know Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.
Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.
*rolls a three*
Jeff: Three. One, two, three, Pierce.
Pierce: Crap. Speaking of crap, I was taking one in an airplane bathroom when Eartha Kitt decided to bang me. *groans* What? It’s where my mind went.
Jeff: Your mind went years ago.
Shirley: Ugh. I’m gonna check on my pies.
Britta: ROXANN-
Jeff: No.

Annie: I love your place, Troy. You’re all grown up now.
Jeff: Yeah, I can’t believe those are real mahogany bunk beds in there. I bet that cost you a few allowances.
Troy: Hmm, all right.
Annie: Aw, Troy.
Jeff: Oh, Now we done it.

Troy: I know what you were doing, I’m 21 years old. I’m a man.
*Troy takes out a candy cigarette.
Britta: Oh, okay, here.
*Troy eats it as Britta tries to light it*

Shirley: Dr. Shirley says mini pies are the best medicine.
Jeff: Then I’d like to see her degree.

Pierce: Man, pizza guys are getting worse and worse looking. Guess all the good ones went into porn.

Abed: I wonder what happened in all those other timelines.
Britta and Troy: Who cares?

Jeff: Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.
Abed: Just so you know Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.
Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.
*rolls a six*
Jeff: Six. One, two, three, four, five, six. Britta.
Britta: Great.
Pierce: Great, You know what’s great? Air travel. I’ve flown a lot, a lot of airplane stories. I once had sex with Eartha Kitt-
Shirley: I’m gonna check on my pies.

Jeff: Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.
Abed: Just so you know Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.
Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.
*rolls a one*
Jeff: One, Troy.
Troy: Ugh, damn it. I’m gonna go as fast as I can so I don’t miss anything.
Pierce: You know who I used to call Miss Anything? Eartha Kitt. *groans* What? He totally set me up.
Shirley: I’m checking on my pies.
Britta: Roxan-
Jeff: No.

Troy *after seeing the Troll while everything is going to hell*: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jeff: Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.
Abed: Just so you know Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.
Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.
*rolls a five*
Jeff: Five. One, two, three, four, five. Abed.
Abed: I’m on it.
Pierce: You know who else was on it? And do you what it is?
Abed: Everybody give me money.
Jeff: Wow, that ascot really softens your personality.
Pierce: I banged Earth Kitt!
Britta: Roxann-
Jeff: No.

Troy: You’re a sick, sad, twisted old man and I hope you die alone.
Abed: I wonder what happened in all those other timelines. I gotta say I hope this is the real one, because I just found a nickel in the hallway.

Jeff: Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.
Abed: Just so you know Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.
Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.
*Abed grabs the die*
Abed: I don’t think you should.
Chaos already dominates enough of our lives, the universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn’t to fight it but to weather it together. On the raft of life, a raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.
Britta: Ropes? Vines?…Vines? Let him finish!
Abed: Us. It won’t matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each others flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven, Shirley will always be giving. Pierce will never apologize, Britta’s sort of a wildcard from my perspective. And Jeff, will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch.
There are six sides to this die and seven of us, he devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.
Annie: Jeff! You crafty jackrabbit.
Troy: Really? Dang, man.
Pierce: Pretty low dude, it’s called friendship. Look it up, Encarta it.
Troy: I think we just found our pizza-getter.
Jeff: Oh, like it matters who goes.
*bangs his head on the ceiling fan*
*everyone laughs*
Jeff: What’s so funny
Annie: Karma.
Troy: That guy sucks harder than the toilet in an airplane bathroom.
Pierce: Airplane bathroom.
Shirley: Oh, my pies.
*Roxanne plays and everyone starts singing along*
Annie: I really love your place.
Abed: You should move here.
Jeff *while everyone is having a good time without him*: You guys see what happens when I leave you alone, huh?

Shirley *darkest timeline, drunk*: To Pierce, may he rest in Pierce.
Britta: Shirley, don’t you think you’ve had enough?
Shirley: Of you.
Abed: Guys I’ve been thinking about that night over and over, one thing has become clear. This is the darkest, most terrible timeline.
Britta: Enough with the timeline crap, Abed! Pierce got shot in the leg and died, Shirley’s a drunk. Annie’s locked in a mental ward because her guilt drove her insane. Jeff lost an arm in the fire. Troy lost his larynx because for some dumb reason, he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it.
Troy *over vocoder*: Clearly you don’t understand anything, about defeating trolls.
Britta: Life has gone to hell Abed, this is real. Look at us, look at me.
Jeff: Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair, and I lost an arm.
Britta: Exactly! Life got dark.
Abed: And all because Jeff rolled a one.
Jeff: Oh I LOVE how this is my fault somehow.
Abed: It’s mine. I’ve run through that night over and over in my head and I keep coming back to one thought: I should’ve caught the die and not let you roll it. I failed to do that and we all suffered for it. But I’m gonna make it up to you.
Jeff: What is this?
Abed: Of all the timelines this is clearly the darkest, which is why I propose we commit to being evil. I made us all black goatees out of felt, I suggest you put them on until you’re able to grow your own. From now on I am evil Abed, we are the evil study group and we have but one evil goal: Return somehow to the prime timeline, the one that I stopped you from rolling that die. Then we destroy the good versions of ourselves and reclaim our proper lives.
Jeff: Evil Abed. As evil Jeff, am I allowed to pull fewer punches with you?
Abed: Certainly.
Jeff: I HATE YOU! Shut up with your sci-fi crap! I lost my damn arm and you’re making fake beards!
Abed: Goatees.
*Troy puts on the goatee after Jeff, Britta and Shirley leave*
Troy and Abed: Evil Troy and evil Abed!