Foosball and Nocturnal Vigilantism

Britta: I’m volunteering at the animal hospital.
Troy *excited*: Animal hospital?
Abed: The animals are the patients.
Troy *disappointed*: That makes sense.

Troy: It came! Our limited edition $299 Dark Knight DVD with bonus footage, special commentary, and a Christian Bale autograph. Including a personalized message of up to four words.
Annie: “Abed is Batman now, Christian Bale”
Abed: It’s official.
Troy: From the man himself.

Jeff: Gentleman, my name is Clarence Thaddeus Foos. My grandfather, Fletcher Morton Foos, invented this game for one purpose: To have the loudest, dumbest thing happen. Now it has. The game of foosball is completed. You’re free to return to your undoubtedly hearing-impaired families.
Karl: Tell you what, we’ll stop playing if you can score a point on us.
Jeff: Tempting, but then wouldn’t I be playing foosball? And if so, how would I not be a loud, weird knob?
Juergen: Free shot, I’m not even touching the foosenschaften.
Jeff: Sorry luftballons, I’m above it.

Juergen: I wish there was a word to describe the pleasure I feel at viewing misfortune.

Troy: Annie, do you know how many sitcoms have done the secretly replace a priceless item thing? ‘Cause Abed does. Abed knows everything. And I know you think you can think your way out of this with your thinkiness, but don’t think too much.

Shirley: Jeff you don’t need to worry about what foreigners think about you, that’s your birthright as an American.

Leonard: The stakes have never been higher.
Shirley: Shut up Leonard, I found your YouTube page. What’s the point in reviewing frozen pizza?
Leonard: You’re talking about it.
Shirley: Well, that is true.

Officer Cackowski: Sorry we couldn’t get a car over here until now, our captain was killed on duty last night.
Annie: My god, I’m so sorry.
Officer Cackowski: Yeah, good man. Leaves behind two kids and a pregnant wife. So you’re missing a Batman DVD?

Annie: Someone definitely broke in, some of my jewelery is missing.
Troy: You sure about that, Annie?
Annie: Mm-hm. My necklace. It was gold, white gold. With emeralds. And my name engraved in Hebrew, it was a bat mitzvah gift from my nana. She was a Rockette, married a count. He was blind, he loved her for her mind.

Officer Cackowski: Did I ever pretend to shoot a guy in front of you to teach you about gun safety?

Troy: Oh, let’s not leap to thing-doing. Right, Annie?

Juergen: How cute. You do like foosball, you just have to practice with your mama.
Jeff: What are you guys doing here on a Saturday night? Shouldn’t you be making weird art movies or well engineered cars?
Lukas: You take that back!

Juergen: Oh you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong.

Jeff: Were you guys walking around with a soccer ball just so you could do that? They left the ball and everything. I think they were literally walking around with it like a prop to use. That’s like a $25 bit, and it’s not even that good!

Abed *as Batman*: The police are powerless. I must take justice into my own hands. Men like Rick operate above the law. But there’s something else above the law. Bats, and me.

Abed *as Batman*: The night beckons, its black fingers curl and uncurl, going like “Hey, come here.”

Jeff: And I had a lot of Mountain Dew that day!

Jeff: Bring the cheddar, Big Cheddar!
Shirley: I’m gonna put you on the express train back to Tinkle Town!

Officer Cackowski: And I’m getting tired of saying this to people, but these things wouldn’t happen if you’d invest in a simple shoe safe.
Annie: That’s it? Now we just live upstairs from this guy that’s really into footwear?
Officer Cackowski: Sweetie, you’re a renter. Look forward to owning a house. Be glad he’s not into heads.
Abed *as Batman*: Thanks for your help, officer. If you should ever need me, I usually get out of school around 4.
Officer Cackowski: This guy sleeps outside your room though, and that’s okay?

Abed *as Batman*: Apology accepted. But I wouldn’t mention it to Abed, that guy’s pretty ruthless. And that’s coming from Batman.

Juergen: Oh. Hey freudenkatzen. Ready for your schpanken?

Leonard: Hello. This is November 29th, and I’m Leonard. And today I’m reviewing Eugenio’s four-cheese frozen pizza. That’s $5.99 at Kroger’s. I’ve tried it before, and we’ll see. Hmmm. Mm. The cheese is good. The sauce is good too. Hmm. Well, definitely a buy. Eugenio’s four-cheese frozen pizza, a buy. See you next time.
*Music* I’m as high as hell and you’re about to get shot