The Politics of Human Sexuality

Jeff *reading fortune cookie*: You will get AIDS.
Annie: Flip it over.
Jeff: Unless you go to the STD fair.
Annie: I wrote that.
Jeff: Congratu-horrible.

Abed: Troy and I played basketball, it’s fun.
Troy: Don’t gloat, it’s impossible to guard you, your eyes are too gentle and mysterious.

Troy: Taking a call girl to an STD fair? There’s a joke here.
Pierce: So, Jeff, dust off that black book and rustle up a honey, huh?
Jeff: Is there a pill that makes the word “no” clearer?
Pierce: Well, I guess it is pretty short notice. Probably couldn’t get a date anyway.
Annie and Shirley: Oooohh.
Jeff: I’m sure you’re right.
Abed and Britta: Oooohh.
Troy: Maybe it has something to do with crabs. They’re like a food, but they’re also a disease.
Pierce: You know, I wonder, Jeffrey, for all your feather flashing, when was the last time you actually scored?
Jeff: Well, I don’t know the precise date, Pierce, because I’m not you, so there’s no receipt. Ooohh
Britta: Ehhh.
Jeff: Oh, come on.
Shirley: Jeff, you shouldn’t take potshots at some poor woman just because you can’t get a date.
Jeff: I can get dates anytime I want, what is this some kind of joke?
Troy: Nope, this is. Don’t eat the crab dip, yay-yay!

Dean Pelton: You’re gonna be center stage showing everyone how to put a condom on a, well, what my dad called a Jimmy Carter.
Annie: Um, I don’t know if I’m the right person for that.
Dean Pelton: Don’t worry, not a real one. No, it’s an anatomically correct model, you know. But trust me, eyes closed, you can’t tell the difference. Mmmm. Okay.

Britta: At least you have “mommy” in here.
Jeff: It’s not my mom.
Britta: Dude, not cool.
Jeff: You saying “dude” is not cool.

Shirley: Annie, being a Virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of, you’re like a unicorn.
Annie: I am not a unicorn. I had relations with my high school boyfriend. We did it to Madonna’s erotica on the floor of his walk-in closet, but he wouldn’t let me look at it. And he cried after, and during. He’s gay now.
Brita: I think he was gay then.

Annie: The Dean is counting on me, and I want him to know that I’m someone he can trust.
We have to break into his office.

Pierce: Don’t worry about it, kid. What you’re going through is a dry spell. From my experience, they don’t last any more than 12, 13 years.

Sabrina: Do you own a horse?
Jeff: Can you ever really own a horse?

Pierce: Let’s lay out our plans for the evening. You wing man me, I wing man you. Maybe we split up for a little hoo-ha. And then meet in the morning for eggs and details.
Jeff: That sounds like the worst combination plate ever.

Troy: We’re arm wrestling.
Abed: Oh, like Stallone in over the top. But I’m not sure of all the rules. Don’t I need a semi truck and a ten-year-old son?
Troy: The rules are you suck! Let’s go!
Abed: Uh, I want to wait for a more inspiring song. This score isn’t right. There we go.
*Abed wins*
Troy: Oh my God! You broke my hand, you bastard.

Annie: Is that considered large?
Shirley: Oh, no.
Britta: Yes.
Cackowski: What in the reverse Porky’s is going on here?

Doreen: As men get older, they wanna spend their time with someone they can have a real conversation with.
Jeff: That is going to suck.
Doreen: “Going to,” Jeff? Come on, Sabrina’s cute, but she thinks that Monty Python is the evil snake from Harry Potter.

Pierce: Uh, before I buy dinner, I have to ask is there any lovemaking on the table?
Doreen: We’re through, Pierce. I’m gonna go to the bar, and you can join me if you’d like. And we can still have a lovely evening. But it will cost you 200 bucks.
Pierce: That is a pretty big discount.

Dean Pelton: I had no idea alcohol would make people horny, makes me sleepy. I don’t-
Cackowski: Dean.
Dean Pelton: Yeah.
Cackowski: We have a 597 currently going on in your office.
Dean Pelton: A 597? There’s a dog-fighting ring in my office?

Gail the School Counselor: Hold on for a minute. I want to take a moment and focus on the girl who won’t say “penis”. This is a judgement free zone, so feel free to express yourself.
Annie: You know what? I don’t want to express myself, I don’t wanna sit in a room and say…the P-word. I like being repressed. I am totally comfortable being uncomfortable with my sexuality. And maybe, just maybe, if everyone were a little bit more like me, we wouldn’t have to have an STD fair!

Annie: By the way, now that I’ve gotten a good look at one, I don’t see what all the fuss was about. A giant thumb in a turtleneck. Whoop-dee-do!

Troy: Go Abed, go! Before people sex one another!

Pierce: There he is. Back already. Detail time?
Jeff: I stopped. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I mean, she’s hot. I think this place is sapping my life force.
Pierce: Oh, it’s not Greendale, Jeff, it’s you. You’re becoming more mature. I mean, a man reaches a point in his life where he stops looking for a place to hang his underwear and starts looking for a place to hang his hat.
Jeff: Oh, I’m sorry, I was waiting for that to become inappropriate or racist. What happened to Doreen?
Pierce: Oh, uh, she said if I wanted to continue the night I’d have to pay.
Jeff: Oh, man, that that is rough.
Pierce: Oh, no, it was a wake-up call. Doreen’s a very special lady. I did not treat her right. I have stuff to work on, you know?
Jeff: You’ll get there.
Pierce: We’re both gonna get there. Here’s to being better men.
Jeff: Cheers.
Pierce: So could I borrow 200 bucks?
Jeff: Tell Doreen I say hi.
Pierce: You know, for 220 I can get the-
Jeff: I’ll give you 250 if you don’t finish telling me.
Pierce: Ooh, I can get it twice. Ah, college, best years of our lives.

Abed *over PA*: Attention, Greendale students. Don’t use the condoms! If you’re going to have sex tonight, don’t use condoms.