English as a Second Language

Pierce: You record every class? Spoiler alert!
Troy: You mean “nerd alert.”
Pierce: Alert nerd.

Annie: Yeah, you be the cool guy, Jeff.
And next fall when that gets lonely, I’ll be in the front row of Spanish 103. Monday thru Friday, 6AM!
Dean Pelton *announcing*: And now, crickets!

Jeff: Annie, I’m not big on planning ahead, But I have one unmovable appointment may 23, 2013.
Troy: To buy a flying car?
Jeff: I have a table for one at Morty’s Steakhouse where I will celebrate becoming a lawyer again. Which can only happen if I take a full load.
*Pierce starts to say something*
Jeff: DON’T!

Britta: Annie you realize that we’ll be friends whether or not we have a class together right?
Annie: Of course you think that Britta, it’s obvious from your name your parents smoked pot.

Jeff: Did you say “keytar”, or did you just pronounce guitar like a hillbilly?

Senor Chang: So I did what anyone would do. I faked my way into a job as a Spanish teacher at a community college relying on phrases from Sesame Street.

Senor Chang: That was the chair.

Dean Pelton: Senor Chang is no longer with us.
Shirley: Um, he’s not faking his death again is he? Cause I can’t handle that roller coaster, first he’s alive and then we’re happy, and then he’s alive again.

Dean Pelton: Word of advice, if an Asian man says he’s a Spanish teacher, it’s not racist to ask for proof.

Troy: And why is she teaching Spanish if she’s a doctor? Go cure something.

Abed: That might be your car, Jeff.
Jeff: What?
Abed: I was on my roof for the Fourth of July and the fireworks set off all the car alarms on the street. That one sounded like a brand new Lexus.
Jeff: Uh, my Lexus isn’t brand new.
Abed: I know. Yours is a 2002. That’s the year I heard it.

Jeff: You’re wearing protective goggles to destroy my car!?
Senor Chang: Safety first!

Senor Chang: Good luck passing your exam, Winger. At one point, I was teaching you Klingon!
Jeff: Yeah? Why don’t you tell that to your really weird sounding magical chair?
Senor Chang: I have a condition!

Troy: The only thing that makes sense is this. Learning. Thoughts. So I can think, and get a student loan, And grind my own coffee, and understand HBO.

Troy: Someone make her a dude so I can punch her.

Annie: Go ahead and hate me! It’s better than what was going to happen. We were gonna drift apart and you all were too cool to do anything about it.
Britta: Maybe not too cool. Maybe just, you know, not psycho enough.

Jeff: Now she is going to make the Disney face. Her lips is gonna quiver and her eyes will flutter, but they won’t ever actually close.

Jeff: Abed, close.
Abed: Oh, don’t worry about me. I can only connect to people through…movies.
Jeff: She’s the Ark of the Covenant!
Abed: Ah! *covers eyes*

Jeff: Did the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants poison each other’s food so they were too sick to leave? No. I’ve never seen it, but I’m pretty sure they mailed each other pants!

Jeff: Discrimination lawsuit.
Pierce: *wakes up* Preposterous!

Troy: He said the best part of his day Is when he thinks I won’t be there.
Shirley: Abed, what a terrible thing to say.
Abed: It’s from a movie.
Shirley: Well, then the movie it’s from is terrible.

Star-burns: I’m friends with Hannah too, the whole class is. And you can’t have an exam, without a class, right guys? We love Hannah!
Class: We love Hannah! We love Hannah! We love Hannah!

Troy: I think I got half of it, which got me through the half I didn’t.
Abed: Like the first season of The Wire.

Pierce: Hey. Thanks…for making it easy.
Doctor Escordera: I was going to say the same to you, but you were gone before breakfast.
Pierce: I’m an early riser.
Doctor Escordera: I’ll say.