Repilot

Jeff: Are you a good person being sued, oppressed, or beaten? I can help, and that’s the Winger guarantee!

Repo Guy: Maybe you should’ve spent less money on special effects.
Jeff: Huh, thanks a lot Francis Ford repo man.

Alan: Ohhaaaaaah Jeff Winger! Loser at Law! Rented office in a mini-mall!

Alan: You hear about that bridge that collapsed upstate?
Jeff: A human could’ve said that without salivating.

Alan: Jeff, I once saw you convince an arson victim that he liked his house better burnt.

Alan: Because the next bone you get thrown, might be through a dude’s zipper in the warehouse district. And I can’t guarantee you it’ll be from me.

Jeff: Look, I might be broke, desperate, and nearly homeless, but I still got one thing deep down inside that gives me power *guy takes his drink* that was it, that was all I had.

Dean Pelton *over PA*: Welcome back, human beings. Dean Pelton here, wishing you another magic year at Greendale. Ranked America’s number two community college by greendalecommunitycollege.com. Regarding the recent tragedy surrounding a certain collapsed bridge, we will be observing a moment of silence on the quad followed by four years of silence to the press.

Leonard: I told you you’d be back.
Jeff: Shut up Leonard, I’m not here I’m just a figment of your creeping dementia.
Leonard: *blows raspberry*

Jeff: You’re, uh, Rita.
Rhonda: Rhonda.
Jeff: I’ve always regretted not telling you how much you remind me of my aunt. It’s more disarming than it sounds. I have a very attractive aunt.
Dean Pelton: Rhonda, why are you wearing Jeff Winger’s c-*gasps* Jeffrey. Are you, uh, looking for your friends? They don’t go here anymore. Maybe you’re looking for something that was in front of you the whole time, just a pitch.

Dean Pelton: Jeffrey, I’m gonna cry.
Jeff: Please don’t.
Dean Pelton: Request denied. Mmmm.

Jeff: “Harassment Reports,” “Hazardous Waste Citations,” “Herpes Comma Water Fountains.” Come on, where’s Humphries? Abed: I see your value now.
Jeff: Abed, why?
Abed: I see your value now. It’s a callback to when we met first season. And me calling years “seasons” is a callback to my first season dialogue, and me calling-
Jeff: Abed, I know what makes you off-putting, but why are you here?
Abed: The Dean called me about the Save Greendale Committee. Can I join?
Jeff: Well, I – Oh, no. Who else did he call? –
Abed: Just me, I called everyone else.
*rest of the group runs in excited*
Abed: Is that cool?
Jeff: It’s the coolest.

Abed: We could repilot. This could be like Scrubs season nine, a revamp, a do-over. Jeff could come back to Greendale as a teacher.
Jeff: I’m not gonna be a teacher, Abed. That’s lame.

Abed: Repiloting can be intense. New people show up, regulars shift roles or even fall away. Season nine of Scrubs, Zach Braff was only in the first six episodes.
Troy: That son of a bitch, after everything scrubs did for him!? Sorry.

Alan: I am screwed! My wife left, my girlfriend dumped me. And they’re sisters, so now the whole family’s pissed.

Alan: Winger, you just lost our client!
Jeff: Yeah. But I can create five new ones, and that’s the Winger guarantee.

Annie: Okay, maybe we should bring strong fundraising ideas-
Shirley: Oh!
Annie: That aren’t bake sales –
Troy: Hey.
Annie: Or opening a zoo where the humans are in cages and the animals come to visit.
Troy: G’oh!

Jeff: Well, I can’t stop thinking this school might be in trouble because of this bridge-collapsing guy.
Britta: He’s the one making bad bridges, that’s like me blaming owls for how much I suck at analogies.

Annie: But I administer things to hospitals, like these. Pen?
Jeff: “Futurza”?
Annie: They’re a rising star in pharmaceuticals, they invented fibromyalgia and the cure for fibromyalgia.
Britta: You push drugs now? That’s ironic.
Annie: I push pens, Britta. Speaking of irony, how’s the therapy market? Depressed?
Britta: I’m on sabbatical.
Troy: You’re Jewish?
Britta: I’m doing hands-on research about the psychology of alcoholism.
Shirley: You’re a bartender, aren’t you?
Britta: Which is basically like a modern-day therapist. If somebody tells me about a murder, I can’t tell anyone.
Troy: Wow, you’re even bad at bartending.
Britta: What about you?
Troy: Abed’s working on the next billion-dollar social media app. And when it takes off, all I got to do is sue him. It’s fool-proof.
Jeff: You’re programming now, Abed? Didn’t get any work with your four-year film degree?
Abed: One job, directing a commercial. – Still haven’t been paid.
Jeff: I’ll cut you a check tomorrow, but just so we’re clear, you quit.
Abed: Creative differences.
Jeff: I asked you to put the phone number on the screen.
Abed: I didn’t like the number, 555? It’s derivative.
Jeff: It’s the number of my business.
Abed: It sounds fake. How can every number start with 555? Are there only 10,000 numbers?
Annie: Abed, you quit? You said you got fired. You haven’t paid the rent of our apartment in two months.
Britta: Well, why don’t you sell him a pill that will help him give up on his dreams?
Annie: Relaxabrex doesn’t make you give up on your dreams, that’s a side effect. At least the drugs I sell don’t get slurped out of my belly button.
Britta: That’s only on Tummy Tuesdays!

Shirley: Andre left again. It’s-it’s not like last time. He’s staying with family. He took the boys. He took the dog. He took the DVR, 166 episodes of Bones just gone.

Troy: Do you guys feel weird about doing this without…Magnitude?

Jeff: I forgot what it was like to be good at being bad.

Alan: Jeff – You’re scaring me.
Jeff: Good. Guys like you should be more scared. You trust-funded, body-sprayed, Eli-Roth-DVD owner. You’re an amateur monster, Alan, and you stomped in the grave of a real monster who was willing to stay buried. Because real monsters have shame, because they wish that-you’re not worth the monologue. Give me your tie.
Alan: What?
Jeff: No monologue for you. Give me your tie. *beating Alan with his own tie* That’s for making me go to this school! That’s for making the last four years happen! And now I get to make them un-happen for me and the only people I care about!

Shirley: I failed my husband. I failed my kids. *crying* I’ve failed Bones.
Annie: I’m helping to hook a whole new batch of little Annies on Adderall.
Abed: I’ve been spending so much time with computers, your tears are just ones and zeroes to me.
Shirley: Yeah, you were a real Hallmark card before.
Troy *crying*: I’m much sadder than the rest of you. I will figure out why later.

Britta: And we’ve come to a decision as a group, and please don’t judge us for suggesting it.
Jeff: Hey, I’ll back you up no matter what.
Abed: We decided to re-enroll at Greendale.
Jeff: What? Are you nuts?
Everyone *chanting*: Greendale! Greendale! Greendale! Greendale!

Chang: You guys want to keep it down?
Jeff: Chang?
Annie: Kevin?
Chang: Chang. I’ve dropped the amnesia thing, copped to my crimes, and went to jail. Now I’m on work release.
Shirley: Working as what?
Chang: Math teacher.
Abed: Next, explain the pajamas.
Chang: Well, I’m on work release from house arrest, but I don’t have a home. See this? This won’t let me travel 100 yards from this, and this only has a 30-yard cord. So I can only travel *tries to figure it out* whatever, you do the math.
Jeff: You said you teach math.
Chang: Exactly. I teach it, You do it.

Troy: They seriously rehired a teacher they fired for trying to burn down the school?
Shirley: After being rehired as a security guard after being fired for impersonating a teacher.
Abed: That’s insane, and I’m Abed.
Annie: Worse than insane. Irresponsible.
Troy: Evil.
Britta: I don’t believe in evil. But this school clearly got a finger up its butt as a child.

Alan: Anyway, I’ll leave you to pick up these pieces. I’m gonna go score some blow, my dealer’s a gym teacher here.

Shirley: You were lying to us?
Jeff: I never lied to you, I showed you the right truth. Britta, when we met, you were an eclectic anarchist. How did you become the group’s airhead?
Britta: Thank you?
Jeff: And, Shirley, you’ve gone from an independent divorcee striking out on her own, to a bankrupt fry cook hoping for a call from her husband. Troy, your entire identity has been consumed by your relationship with another man.
Troy: You found my Clive Owen Tumblr.
Jeff: And what happened to Annie the Unstoppable Go-getter?
Annie: Well, there was that gas leak last year.
Jeff: Oh, don’t blame it all on a gas leak year. This was a four-year process. We went in one end as real people and out the other end as mixed-up cartoons.
Abed: Cool.
Jeff: Sure. This coming from the guy who’s had how many psychotic breaks on campus?
Abed: Are we including the gas leak year?
Jeff: You all came here with a chance to be something, and you all had that taken away from you. Get something back. Seek damages. Sign here.
Troy: But you’re our hero. I mean, in the commercial-
Jeff: The commercial was a lie.
Troy: You staged a robot fight!?
Jeff: Yeah. In real life, the robot wins.
Shirley: Troy?
Troy: If Jeff didn’t change, then Jeff is right. Case closed. Let’s make some money.
Shirley: Okay, Jeff, if this is what you really want to do. I’ll sign.
Jeff: The choice to make is yours.
Annie: No, it’s yours. We’re putting Greendale in your hands.
Britta: Do we all have to say something?
Abed: No, you can just sign it.
Britta: Okay.
Abed: You brought us together.
Jeff: With lies.
Abed: But what you do is above lying, remember? You show us the right truth.
Jeff: You won’t regret this.

Abed: I’d like to take the study room table in back and burn it.
Britta: Burn it? Why?
Abed: The same reason I never returned Time Bandits to Blockbuster. Nobody else deserves it.

Spoiler:

Dean Pelton: Ahh! Jeffrey, I’m not decent.
Jeff: I know. These are the signatures of the five people that are crazy enough to care about this toilet. And tonight, I almost got them to sue it. Heed the warning!
Dean Pelton: It’s not easy being Dean, Jeffrey!
Jeff: Then stop being the Dean!
Dean Pelton: It’s my whole ideantity! I mean, wah, see what I did there? That’s proof!
Jeff: Get your crap together. Your job is not to hand out degrees. Your job is to make this a toilet that people don’t have to be crazy to care about.
Dean Pelton: But you could stay here and help me save the school.
Jeff: For how much money?
Dean Pelton: I-I can’t offer you any money. I could offer you a job.
Jeff: You just described slavery.
Dean Pelton: I mean, there’s nothing in the budget for school saver, but I could hire you as…
Jeff: *sighs* Screw you, Abed.

Annie: I’d be depressed right now if these samples from work weren’t giving me a new outlook on life. If you’re interested in learning more, *crying* ask your doctor if Joyvatrex is right for you.
Shirley: Oh, honey.
Troy: If we sue Greendale, can I be a surprise witness? Wait. Don’t tell me.

Britta: I’m gonna get a four-year psych degree, then a master’s, and become a real psychologist.
Annie: Or you could find another major.
Britta: A real psychologist.
Shirley: How about English?
Britta: Psychology.
Jeff: All right, what’s important is, no matter what, we’ll be trying to talk Britta into doing something different together.

Dean Pelton: Once more, more teachery.
Jeff: I wanna kill myself.
Dean Pelton: Use that.