G.I. Jeff

Flint: Hat Muffs, Spit Take, shoot down those rattlers.

Flint: Tight Ship, you can overhault G.I. Joe when you’re commander.
Buzzkill: Which will clearly happen any day now, as long as your *bleep* stay on full display.
Flint: Whoa, Buzzkill, language.

Flint: Three Kids, put down that phone! We’re in the middle of a battle!
Three Kids: Oh, screw you Flint, I’m in a battle called having three kids.

Flint: Good shooting, Wingman. But it looks like Destro’s getting away.
Wingman: Not necessarily, sir. *starts shooting*
Flint: Jeez!
Destro: What? Oh, no. What are you doing? Hey! Are you crazy? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! *splat*
*Flint has horrified look on his face*
Wingman: Yo, Joe! … What? We’re not saying it together?

Announcer: G.I. Joe is the code name for America’s daring, awesomely trained, awesome mission force. Its purpose to fight Cobra, because they’re terrorists. Look, I think I’m over-explaining it. The bad guys are snakes, and the good guys are army people.

Duke: Wingman, Three Kids, Buzzkill, Tight Ship. You stand accused of violence, suggestive language, and mature situations unbecoming of G.I. Joe. What say you?
Wingman: Look, I understand this is the first time a G.I. Joe has killed anyone in all of recorded history. However…
Tight Ship: However, let’s be truthful. This is a very disorganized militia.
Buzzkill: Yeah, what’s anyone’s rank? We’re all just dressed like serial killers and strippers.
Three Kids: I have three kids.
Wingman: You guys are not helping. Duke, Flint, Scarlett. Yes, it’s true I killed Destro. And I promise not to do it again. But is it really a crime? Is Cobra not a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world? And if we never kill them, are we not basically on their side? And won’t this war thereful last forever unless we finish killing Cobra, or start killing ourselves?

Wingman: How long are we in here, Cold Shoulder?
Cold Shoulder: *walks away*
Winger: Cold Shoulder!? What’s with that guy?

Tight Ship: This place is a graveyard for G.I. Joe rejects. Look who’s in here. Deep Dish, Shark Arms, Weird Head, Home Free, Place Holder, Sleep Apnea, and us!
Three Kids: I have three kids. This is the worst day of my life.

Forth Wall: My name is Forth Wall. And I believe that what we perceive as life, is actually a syndicated children’s cartoon.

Wingman: You’re some kind of demon man, and…and your outfit is three layers of racist

Cobra Commander: Look, I’m not good at eulogies. Because I’ve never had to give one. All I want to know is, how did G.I. Joe do this? We’ve been shooting at each other and missing for 20 years.

Cobra Commander: Cobra! Avenge my totally platonic friend!

Tight Ship: They’re suppressive firing at us!
Fourth Wall: I think we’ll be okay. Remember, this is all just a cartoon about action figures for kids.
Wingman: Shut up, Forth Wall. Get into the new G.I Joe Submachopter with twin rocket launchers and rotating attack jet.

Announcer: The G.I. Joe mutineers are even worse than Cobra, because they’re traitors. Buzzkill…
Kid: All government is a lie.
Announcer: Tight Ship…
Kid: I control everything, or else!
Announcer: Three Kids…
Kid: My family comes first.
Announcer: Fourth Wall…
Kid: Doesn’t this guy also do the voice for He-Man commercials?
Announcer: And their nefarious, ruthless leader, Wingman.
Kid: Hey, that’s not true! I love G.I. Joe!
Announcer: I don’t know, man. Seems like you hate it.
Kid: This is all a misunderstanding.
Announcer: Tell it to the judge. Everything is sold seperately. Assembly required. Nothing is happening.

Wingman: What did you call me that? What’s with you people?
Fouth Wall and Three Kids: What do you mean, “you people”?
Three Kids: Oh!
Fourth Wall: Nice!

Three Kids: Jeffrey! Shame on you. I have three kids.

Fourth Wall: Imaginary Britta is right, and only imaginary Britta.

Cobra Commander: Ah, look who’s conscious again.
Duke: You’re pretty selective with those snake “S”s.
Cobra Commander: What are you, my life coach? I’d make fun of some physical detail about you, there aren’t any. You look like some aryan foosball figure

Cobra Commander: Take me with you, I want to see women’s boobs!

Cobra Commander: Why is my ability to appreciate new music diminishing?

Shirley: This is Korean.
Chang: Okay, what am I?
Everyone: Chinese!
Chang: Okay, I swear to god I feel Korean.

Buzzkill: I was trying to hold them to a higher standard. If the media tells kids what to think, all they’ll know is…
Fourth Wall: And knowing is half the battle.
Buzzkill: What?

G.I. Joe!