Cooperative Polygraphy

Annie: I guess I knew Pierce was part of a weird futuristic cult, but I wasn’t prepared for a funeral with so much beeping.
Shirley: Well, let’s not judge. Everyone has a right to whatever fake religion they delusionally choose.

Annie: Abed, you were by the coffin for a long time. Are you okay?
Abed: I’m okay, although…
Troy and Abed: Troy and Abed are in mourning.
Jeff: Will you guys please stop doing that?
Annie: I can’t believe you did it during your eulogy. So uncomfortable.
Abed: I don’t think the audience got that were singing “mourning” with a “u.”
Troy: You were singing mourning with a u? Oh, no.

Troy: It’s all right here in this incredibly persuasive literature they passed out. Once you reach level 16, you can see the color blurble.
Shirley: Of all the ridiculous cartoon nonsense. If there is a blurble, the lord keeps it hidden for a reason.

Chang: All right, are you sure you guys aren’t just doing the “respect the dead” jig-a-lig?
Annie: I think you have us mistaken for you, Chang.

Troy: Just a reminder you gotta live life to the fullest. By the time Pierce was my age he had already been fired from 15 jobs. I’ve only seen two Police Academies. The last two.
Jeff: Well, he’s gone too soon but won’t be soon forgotten.
Mr. Stone: I would say you’re quite correct, Mr. Winger.
Jeff: Who the hell are you?
Mr. Stone: I am Mr. Stone.
Troy: That’s easy for you to say…and for us to say.

Mr. Stone: We’re to start with miss Perry, state your name.
Britta: Britta Perry.
Mr. Stone: Have you ever had any thoughts of violence towards Pierce Hawthorne?
Britta: No.
Assistant: Lie.
Britta: I mean, I may have wanted to slap him now and again, but I didn’t kill him.
Mr. Stone: In all your sexual fantasies about Pierce Hawthorne, none of them involved his murder?
Britta: What? No.
Mr. Stone: But you have had sexual fantasies about Mr. Hawthorne.
Britta: No! What kind of question is that?
Mr. Stone: I’m asking the questions just as Mr. Hawthorne wrote them down, I assure you.

Mr. Stone: Mr. Winger, state your name.
Jeff: Jeffrey Winger.
Mr. Stone: Are you gay?
Jeff: No.
Mr. Stone: Are you sure you’re not gay?
Jeff: Yes.
Mr. Stone: Gay murderer says what?
Jeff: What?
Assistant: He’s telling the truth.
Mr. Stone: I’ve been instructed to point out that that means you’re gay.

Mr. Stone: Ms. Bennett.
Shirley: Hmm?
Mr. Stone: State your name.
Shirley: Shirley Bennett.
Mr. Stone: Are you a dishonest person?
Shirley: No.
Assistant: She thinks that’s true.
Shirley: Uh, you could have just said no. I’m watching you acting scientific and then adding your little two cents every now and again. Huh!? Continue.

Britta: Yeah, well, if I wanted the government in my uterus I’d fill it with oil and Hispanic voters.

Mr. Stone: Mr. Barnes, state your name.
Troy: Troy Barnes. D’oh! I meant to say “Butts Carlton.”
Assistant: He did mean to say “Butts Carlton.”

Mr. Stone: Mr. Chang, state your name.
Chang: Benjamin Franklin Chang, ready to deal out the truth. Nothing to hide, let’s do this.
Mr. Stone: Have you ever masturbated in the study room.
*Chang walks out of the room*

Mr. Stone: Mr. Nadir, state your name.
Abed: Abed Nadir.
Mr. Stone: Have you ever 9/11’d anyone?

Mr. Stone: Do you and Troy still actively use Jeff’s Netflix account without his permission?
Jeff: Wait, what?
Troy: You told Pierce that?
Abed: You logged in at our place, and never logged out, so we use it.
Jeff: Is that why my review of The Grey is constantly changing?
Abed: Yes, stop giving it four stars.
Jeff: I like Liam Neeson!
Abed: Then send him a message about the roles he chooses.
Jeff: Look, this is not the issue! You’re stealing from me!
Annie: And as your roommate, you’re making me an accomplice. I had no idea.
Assistant: Lie.
Annie: Why would I even try that?
Mr. Stone: State your name please, Miss.
Annie: Annie Edison.
Mr. Stone: Miss Edison, did you use your exceptional intelligence and organizational skills to plot the foolproof murder of Pierce Hawthorne?
Annie: Aww! And no.
Mr. Stone: Is it true that you overcharged Troy and Abed for their share of the rent?
Annie *whispering*: Pierce!
Abed: Annie?
Annie: Yes, but for a good reason. You guys know you’re bad with money. I padded your share of the rent by $10 and I’ve been putting it into a savings account that yields 4%. You’ll be thanking me in six years when you find out you have $86. That’s jacket money.
Troy: Oh, did you hear that, Abed? We’ve been washing paper plates and making our own toothpaste. But don’t you worry, when we have robot bodies on the moon, we can share a free jacket.
Shirley: Annie, you should know better than to horde money. That’s a stereotype.
Annie: Was that anti-semitism?
Shirley: No! That’s sensitivity. It’s anti-semitic to do things like that when you know full well you’re Jewish.
Britta: Whoa.
Troy: We could have bought a tire for our tire swing with that money.
Jeff: Or your own Netflix account?
Troy *same time as Abed*: Liam Neeson? Not that great.
Abed *same time as Troy*: Your rating system is flawed.
*overlapping shouting*
Mr. Stone: All right! Let’s begin.

Jeff: I’m only gonna say this once. Clearly, Pierce is trying to lure us into a labyrinth of emotional manipulation and strategic instigation. And I think we’re all smart enough to know we should quit while we’re not ahead.
Shirley: I do believe we should-
Annie: Yes, definitely.
Shirley: Quit while we’re not ahead.
Troy: Absolutely.
Abed: Yep.
Troy: Right.
Assistant: They’re all lying.
Shirley: We all know that, you judgmental bitch!

Mr. Stone: Are you aware that, in order to save money, Shirley stopped using real tofu and replaced it with a midwestern tofu substitute called “meatfu”?
Britta: Oh, my God! Oh!
Shirley: It’s still not actually meat. Legally.
Britta: You have never respected anything that I hold sacred!
Shirley: I’m sorry!
Mr. Stone: Shirley, did you know that Britta was high on marijuana at your son’s baptism?
Shirley: I’m sorry?
Britta: Well, no higher than usual.
Assistant: Not true.
Shirley: You did drugs in my church?
Britta: No, I did drugs in the parking lot of your church. How else do you expect somebody to sit through something like that? At least with a bris there’s an element of suspense.
Shirley: Well, next time, I’ll have Cheech and Chong do the warm-up!

Jeff: Guys, these questions are obviously designed to turn us against each other. If we want to beat Pierce at his game, we have to own up to our mistakes and forgive each other.
Mr. Stone: Mr. Winger, is it true that you keep trophies of your sexual conquests?
Jeff: In a church, Britta? For shame. – It’s where Jesus gets his mail.
Annie: Answer the question, Adrian Grody!
Jeff: I know what Pierce is referring to, I have a box of forgotten items in my apartment. I happen to be a single male. Visitors leave things.
Mr. Stone: Is one of your trophies a pair of Miss Perry’s panties?
Britta: You told me a hawk stole them! You exploited me and made me believe in a slightly more magical world.
Abed: If you want to collect women’s underwear, can’t you just buy them?
Jeff: They have to be won in battle.
Britta: Oh!
Annie: Blegh! Gross!
Shirley: Jeffrey!
Troy: Awesome.

Mr. Stone: Mr. Barnes.
Troy: Okay! I did it! Okay? I killed Pierce!
Assistant: Lie.
Troy: Okay, good. Just making sure.
Mr. Stone: You and Abed Nadir have a specialized, exclusive handshake that you refuse to do with your other friends? Troy: Absolutely.
Mr. Stone: Mr. Barnes, did you invent that handshake?
Troy: Yes.
Assistant: Lie.
Mr. Stone: Mr. Barnes, are you a subscriber to the video blog “Fun for Friends”?
Troy: No.
Assistant: Lie.
Troy: Silence, wench!
Kevin *over phone*: Hi, I’m Kevin, this is Kyle, and here’s a fun handshake you can do with your best friend. All right! Thanks for watching, guys. Don’t forget to rate us, comment, and subscribe.
Abed: Can’t look at you right now.
Troy: Then you should know I’m crying.
Abed: I forgive you, but only to escape the established pattern of self-righteous indignation followed by immediate comeuppance.
Mr. Stone: Mr. Nadir.
Abed: Okay, I guess it’s happening anyway. You broke my heart. Continue.
Mr. Stone: Is it true that you planted geo-trafficking devices on everyone in the group so that you would know where they are at all times?
Abed: Yes. Okay, you guys are changing your faces. Are you mad at me or hungry?
Annie: You’re tracking us? We’re mad at you, Abed.
Abed: Why?
Britta: Because we already live in a totalitarian surveillance state. Do you not read my status updates?
Abed: But I’m not the Government, I’m your friend.
Britta: That’s what governments say, nimrod.
Abed: It’s cool. When one of you gets kidnapped, you’ll be glad you don’t have to count the bumps on the highway from the trunk of the car.
Britta: Are those blinking dots us?
Abed: Mm-hmm.
Britta: Well, what’s this one all the way to the side?
Abed: That’s where Pierce is buried.
Annie: Is that why you were spending so much time by the coffin?
Abed: I was trying to get it back. They’re expensive, and he’s not moving anymore.
Jeff: Abed, where did you plant these things?
Abed: If you makes you feel any better, you’ll never find them.
Annie: I know you know it’s wrong to do that without telling us. Shame on you!
Abed: Okay, I’m ashamed.
Assistant and Abed: Lie.

Troy: You made a profile for a fake dude and lured her into an online relationship. He’s catfishing you.
Annie: You’re Olympic pole-vaulting hopeful Brent Underjaw?
Abed: I noticed whenever you were in a relationship, you hummed a lot and made pancakes in the morning. It wasn’t about hurting you. I did what I did in the name of breakfast.
Annie: I bore my soul to you! I told you about my holding hands at Disneyland fantasy. Do you care about people at all, Abed? Answer on the polygraph!
Abed: Jeff made me apply for handicapped parking so he can get a better spot.
Jeff: Britta’s the one that invited Garrett to Annie’s birthday party!
Britta: Troy won’t sit on a toilet seat after Jeff!
Troy: When we’re alone, Shirley refers to you guys as “those people.”
Shirley: Oh! When Annie’s with other female’s dudes, she calls Jeff her uncle!
Annie: Shirley thinks we’re all going to hell!
Shirley: You are all going to hell!
Annie: Oh, what?
Troy: We’re not necessarily gonna go to hell, I mean what is hell?

Chang: I didn’t just masturbate in the study room. I masturbated everywhere. EVERYWHERE! Huh. Confession is good for the soul. You should try it sometime.

Jeff: Pierce admitted he was flawed, and he died rich. Let’s celebrate his life and death in the honest way, not by saying fake nice things around a casket, but by admitting we’re monsters and clawing joyfully for some of his cash. So does anybody have anything left before we continue? Let’s empty our tanks of lies once and for all. I’m Jeff Winger, and if I had my choice, I would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with.
Annie: I’m the one who hit Jeff’s Lexus in the parking lot. It wasn’t a taco truck, and it was racist of me to improvise such an ethnically specific vehicle.
Britta: I only give money to homeless people when I’m walking with someone.
Troy: I’ve never been to Legoland. I just wanted you guys to think I was cool.
Shirley: I can be passive-aggressive sometimes. Don’t everybody disagree at once. Oh, Lord, I did it again.
Abed: When any of you chew gum, I want to punch you. You may as well have submachine guns in your mouths. It vibrates my skull.
Jeff: Everybody clear? All right. Mr. Stone, hit us with your grand finale. May it be as brutal as we deserve.

Mr. Stone: Very well. Mr. Hawthorne’s final round of questions. “Britta Perry, do you know that you hate yourself more than you should and that your passion inspired me?”
Britta: No.
Assistant: That’s true. She didn’t know.
Mr. Stone: “To Miss Perry, I leave my iPod Nano filled with music to take life less seriously by.”
Britta: Oh, that’s nice.
Mr. Stone: I also leave you this liquid nitrogen cooled cylinder of my hyper-virile sperm in case your lesbian lifestyle one day wears out and you wish to raise an army of geniuses. Shirley
Shirley: Hmm?
Mr. Stone: “Did you know that you are not only a credit to your race and gender, but to our species, and that I was intimidated by your strength of character and business acumen?”
Shirley: Yes.
Mr. Stone: “To Shirley Bennett, I leave my spacious timeshare in Florida where she can take What’s-his-name and however many children she has now.
Shirley: Uh-huh.
Mr. Stone: “I also leave you a cylinder of my sperm.” Annie Edison. “Did you know that you were always my favorite?”
Annie: You mentioned it once, but…
Mr. Stone: “I leave you this tiara, which you once refused to accept. It’s the same tiara I used to wear when my mother would verbally assault me for not being a little girl. Also sperm.” Jeff Winger, “did you know you’re gay?”
Jeff: No.
Mr. Stone: Agree to disagree. “to you, I leave this bottle of fine scotch so that you’re less tempted to drink this cylinder of even finer sperm.” Abed Nadir, “did you know that you are insane and nothing that you said ever made any sense to me?”
Abed: Yep.
Mr. Stone: Here’s your sperm. Troy Barnes, “did you know that you possess the greatest gift life can give, the heart of a hero. And that it’s up to you not to waste it like I did?”
Troy: I think.
Mr. Stone: “To Troy, I leave the obligatory sperm.”
Troy: Maybe it’s because everyone else got one, and because it’s an old man’s semen, but, um, I’m kind of disappointed.
Mr. Stone: “In addition, I am prepared to leave Troy Barnes my remaining shares in the Hawthorne Wipes company, currently valued at 14.3 million dollars. On one condition. You must first sail my boat, the Childish Tycoon, by yourself around the entire world.”
Britta: What?
Jeff: Again with the bait and switch.
Mr. Stone: “When I was 23, my father asked me to do the same thing to earn my adulthood and his fortune. Of course I cheated and floated off the coast of Belize for a year doing coke with John Denver. I always regretted it. I’d like to give you a chance to do what I never did. Become your own man.”
Jeff: Okay, I’m a lawyer, Troy. It should be possible to contest these conditions as unreasonable-
Troy: I’ll do it.
Jeff: And Pierce can take his mind games and his sperm and he can put-
Troy: I’ll do it.
Jeff: What?
Shirley: Troy?
Troy: Pierce was a crazy old coot, yeah, but I think he knew something about me that even I didn’t know until now. Because he’s offering me something I’ve been searching for my whole life. Millions of dollars. And being a man or whatever he said.
Annie: Jeff, say something.
Jeff: I’m speechless.
Annie: Somebody say something! Abed?
Abed: Cool…Cool, cool, cool.
Assistant: That’s a lie.

Mr. Stone *while everyone sits looking uncomfortable*: And then that sperm came down, I mean, I couldn’t say anything! But oh, my God! I was gonna explode! And then that one, that last question, with all of that nice stuff out on the table, and you guys were having this discussion about whether or not to quit? At first, I was like, “Aaaaah!” But you did it! You did it! It was amazing! You’re amazing, man! You’re amazing! Guys, this is the best. We should do this every week. Oh, I’m a fun guy, you know? I mean, you talk about lying. I was lying the whole time. This is who I really am. This is me. This is the real me. I’m artistic. Ideas come to me all the time. I have this idea for a movie. It’s about this guy who oversees polygraph tests, and the biggest obstacle is how good-looking he is. People can’t focus and tell the truth. It’s unbelievable.
Britta: By the way, uh, we never found out how Pierce died.
Mr. Stone: Oh, my God. I can’t believe I didn’t tell you yet. It was dehydration from filling up all of those cylinders. I mean, it’s how I want to go, but, hey, I’m a little nutty. Are you guys thinking what I’m thinking? Shots!