Horror Fiction In Seven Spooky Steps

Pierce: I don’t understand, we’re having a party before we’re going to the real party? Sometimes I think you young people are just making this crap up.

Annie: There’s nothing in your playlist but Spooky Party, the Beetlejuice soundtrack, and NPR podcasts.
Britta: Ooh! We could listen to one of those! I have Michele Norris interviewing Errol Morris, don’t worry, they address it.

Jeff: What? I’m one of the Fast and Furious guys.
Abed: Which one?
Jeff: Oh I don’t know, I don’t watch that shallow crap. I just pick a costume girls will like.

Britta: Jeff, can I have a quick conversation with you?
Jeff: Doubtful, but I support the dream.

Dean Pelton: Also, I had the lights rigged to flicker because it’s HALLOWEEN!
Jeff: It’s been happening for a week.
Dean Pelton: Halloween week!
Jeff: So the lights will work on November 1st?
Dean Pelton: All Saint’s daaayyyy….month!

Britta: Extreme, Jeff!
Jeff: Like a dorito?
Britta: A sociopathic dorito, a cool ranch lunatic.

Jeff: I think one member of our group is an overzealous psych major, you probably just Britta’d the test results somehow.
Britta: No, I double checked them. Wait, are people using my name mean make a small mistake?
Jeff: …Yes.

Jeff: Let’s make this party fast and furious, in that order.
Troy: Yeah, I wanna go to the dance. I heard the Dean’s got free taco meat from the army.

*Britta’s Story
Radio News Guy: In the news tonight, top story. An escaped convict from the asylum has escape, and he’s mental and he’s on the loose and stuff.

Radio News Guy: He was last seen in the woods and has a thingy for a hand, a hook thing where his hand should be. You know what I mean.

Jeff: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I’m getting stabbed with his hook hand thing!
Britta: Oh my God! No! I was right!

*Abed’s story*
Abed: Here we are, a log cabin I rented so we could be intimate in safety. Because it’s not the 50s so we don’t have to park a car and neck at inspiration point.
Britta: That makes sense, I’m turned on by how logical you are.
Abed: I’m comforted by your shiny hair and facial symmetry. Well, I just brushed my teeth, so this would be the optimal time to kiss. Enjoyable, soft lips. Just the right level of moisture.
Britta: Would you like to do it again?
Abed: No.

*Abed humming Daybreak*
Pierce: Abed! Why are you doing the whole song?

Annie: Ugh, do these people ever die or what?

*Annie’s Story*
Jeff: You may choose not to believe in them, but I am a monster. And I must feed.
Britta: Do not judge me for my weakness.
Jeff: Stifle your slackened maw, you drained and tainted bitchdog.
*Annie gasps*
Britta: I’m fine with this.
*Annie turns to run away*
Jeff: Wait! Teach me to read.

Annie: And she ripped into his torso, like a gerbil shredding a Quaker oats box. Sending chucks of viscera and an aerosol mist of blood all over the skanky concubine. Then, she flossed her teeth with his tendons. And because he was a vampire, he lived through all of it. He had to watch her swallow his last eyeball. She kept it attached to the optic nerve, so he could see down her throat, to his own partially digested flesh…in…her..stomach. See? There was a twist.

*Troy and Abed’s Story*
Troy: You tried to destroy us…
Abed: But you only made us…
Both: More awesome!
Pierce: No! I’m legit jealous!

Abed: We sewed your butt, to your chest.
Pierce: No! Wait, ha! You fools. By sewing my butt to my chest, you’ve given me boobs I can touch all day.
Troy/Abed: With what?
Pierce *with feet as his hands*: No. No! Noo! NOOOOOOOOO!

Pierce: What did I do to deserve that? Keep me out of your stupid stories.
Troy: I didn’t say it was you, I said he was a crazy old, racist doctor.
Pierce: Yeah, and I’m your crazy, old, racist friend.

*Pierce’s Story*
Shirley: Come back to bed, Magnum.
Pierce: In a moment, girls. I’m just enjoying an expensive post-coital Brandy.

Troy: Yo yo yo yo yo, whats we gots heres?
Abed: This is a home invasion, you jive mother.
Pierce: Easy, easy, easy. Nobody has to get hurt here.
Troy: Yeah, that’s right honky. You take it real easy, and give all your expensive Brady and hubcaps.

Troy [Getting Beat By Pierce]: You…Are…Still…Relevant.
*Pierce unzips pants*
Troy [Looking Down, Shocked]: Oh my God!
*gets dick-punched*
Pierce: Okay, I’m ready for my birthday spanking! Which of you girls knows how to count to 30?

Jeff: What in the hell was that?
Troy: That wasn’t even a ghost story, it was like an episode of some show we’re all too young to have heard of.
Pierce: Fine! Then I chopped up both of your bodies.
Abed: So that was us, and you were Magnum.
Pierce: Still am, Pakistan. Wanna try me?

*Shirley’s Story*
Jeff: All right, all right. That is my kind of pot bong!

Britta: I don’t care, I lived in New York.
Britta: Ugh, it’s like New York out there.

Devil: Hel-lo! Devil here, just popping by with a little damnation orientation. Here’s the sched. At 10:00, you’ll be buried neck-deep in scorpions, 11:15, lava enemas followed by pilates.
*Oh. That’s good. I like Pilates.*
Devil: Pilates is a demon that eats your genitals.

Devil [Swinging a Chainsaw]: Gay marriage!
*cut back to study room*
Shirley: And he chainsawed them to bits! And then he put them back together. And he CHAINSAWED them again! Forever.

Troy: You ruined a Britta party, that’s like letting poop spoil.

Abed: She Britt’d it.
Britta: Whatever, I’ll run them through again. And you guys are gonna stop using my name to mean “making a tiny and understandable mistake.”

Britta: We learned an important lesson tonight. We should never make the Britta of Britta-ing each other’s feelings.
Pierce: You’re using it wrong.
Jeff: Wow, you Britta’d Britta’d.
Abed: Yeah, way to pull an Abed.
Shirley: I don’t get it.
Jeff: Shirley, don’t Pierce.
Pierce: I don’t get it.