The Art of Discourse

Mark: Excuse me? Hi, we’re in High School, but we’re here taking some classes for college credit.
Britta: Well, all right! Way to be go-getters!
Mark: Thanks. So, we were just wondering, can you tell us exactly what you did in your lives to end up here, so that we don’t make the same mistakes? Because if I end up 35 and celebrating a B in Nutrition in Community College, I’ll kill myself.

Britta: I have done things with my life! Awesome things! I’ve been to 14 countries! I helped build a school in Kenya! I once met Sting in a Cracker Barrel!!
Jeff: Why are you letting a bunch of teenagers get to you? I don’t even remember what they said. It just rolled of off- *starts yelling at Pierce who is tuning his guitar* Would you stop tuning that guitar?! You are 105 years old! Tell me exactly what you did with your life to end up here, so I don’t make the same mistakes!

Mark: Oh, my God. There’s a grandpa schlip-schlap. *old man voice* Have you seen my schmitty, sonny?
Scott *old man voice*: Help me, I’m gonna crap my pants.
Kelly: Oh I’ve fallen down, someone help me.
Mark: Seriously, Nutrition, this is your life?
Jeff: Actually I was a lawyer.
Mark: Looks like that went well! And now you hang out with Shlip-Shlap and Shlap-Skank who, oh my god! Is she wearing a discman?!
Jeff: How could you do this to me?!
Britta: What? Discmans are retro!
Mark: Oh, oh! Is ‘retro’ when you’re 30 and broke, and can’t afford an iPod, schmitty?
Pierce: I think, uh, schmitty means loser.
Jeff and Britta: We know!

Pierce: That is the pot calling the kettle, uh, a kettle, okay?
Shirley: Oh, you can say black, Pierce. I’m a black woman. The cat is out the bag. You have literally identified me To strangers as “the black woman.”
Pierce: Out of context. Context is everything. I call the other women “flat-butt” And “the one Abed wants to nail.”
Britta: So what’s the context For constantly referring to me as a lesbian?
Pierce: If the wallet chain fits, I’m just trying to help you find yourself.
Troy: At least he doesn’t think that Shirley’s my mom anymore. He thinks that we’re cousins!
Pierce: You’re not?!
Abed: He still assumes that I’m a terrorist.
Pierce: If you’re not, I’m sorry. If you are, I’m a hero. I’m willing to take that chance.
Annie: You said I have a crafty Jew brain!
Pierce: Nobody knows how to take a compliment anymore.

Jeff: Oh! Check out Franken-Mom!
Britta: Ooh, we can use that! No wedding ring. He’s a child of divorce, we can make fun of him for coming from a broken home. I don’t care if this gets dirty, he asked for it.
Jeff:You’re right. Get ready to meet “Jeff Winger Esquire, Attorney at aw snap! It’ll be better than that.

Jeff: Bringing a goat To our study group. That’s a great idea, Troy.
Troy: Thanks. Must have been hard for you to say that.
Britta: It’s called sarcasm, Troy. Ask the goat to explain it to you.
Troy: Why do I feel like I’m being dissed?
Annie: Because you are being dissed.

Abed: It’s very dangerous. We’ve lost our Cliff Clavin, our George Costanza, our Turtle or Johnny Drama or Eve. Man, that show is sloppy.

Troy: And if all we need is an escape goat, I think we should just let this one go.
Britta: Sometimes you’ve got to be pretending, Troy.

Annie: When you found out I was Jewish, you invited me to a “pool party” that turned out to be a Baptism!
Shirley: Well, excuse me for trying to sneak you into Heaven!

Jeff: Guys, have you considered the “New Pierce” concept is stupid?
Troy: Spoken like the New Pierce!
Jeff: I am NOT the New Pierce!!

Britta: Well, maybe he’ll admit he’s wrong two, three, four. Uh, not! *silence* We need Pierce.

Abed: Troy and I are pledging the cool fraternity, and unbeknownst to us, we’re actually the target of ridicule and don’t have in hell of getting in.
Troy: Yeah. They’re making us walk around with pretzels in our butts, I put mustard on mine like an idiot!

Mark: Uh oh! Sassy Black Shmitty’s out of the group!
Kelly: Oh no, not the group!
Scott: Poor sad little Shmitties! Can’t all of us little Shmitties just get along?!

Troy: Who is that?
Jeff: A punk ass that needs to be destroyed.
Britta: And I just figured out how!
Annie: Um, can we focus on what’s important here? Shirley thinks we don’t care about her.
Britta: No, you’re right, you’re right, you’re right. That’s totally more important. I just thought of one thing-You need to bang that kid’s mom!

Abed: You’re my friend, right? Friends are supposed to help each other, No matter what! Okay. Ridiculous situation descending into heavy-handed drama For the illusion of story. Check.
Troy: What? That was awesome. All right, I am back in.

Pierce: Why are Jeff and Britta making fun of those handicapped kids?

Troy: Are you sure it’s the name of my grade school And my favorite soft drink?
Abed: Yup. Pretty sure.
Troy: George Washington Lemon Fresca. That’s a horrible porn name.
Abed: I don’t make the rules.
Troy: What’s yours?
Abed: Henry David Thoreau Diet Squirt.
Troy: Oh, that’s good. Hello, Henry David Thoreau Diet Squirt, how many pornos have you been in?
Abed: Six thousand and 12. How many pornos have you been in?
Troy: Two thousand and 19, it’s my first week.
Abed: Impressive.
Troy: Thank you.
Abed: You’re welcome.
*porn bassline playing*
Pizza Guy: Someone here order a pizza? Is it you guys? It has extra sausage.
Troy: No.
*Troy and Abed leave*
Pizza Guy: It’s big and hot.
Leonard: That’s my pizza. But you took longer than 30 minutes, so I’m not paying.