Modern Warfare

Jeff: Hey, watch it punk!
Britta: What are you, 80?
Jeff: He’s the one trying to bring disco back, I don’t have to be old to know it’s not gonna happen.

Leonard: What it is, Soul Brother!

Britta: Well, if you’re gonna be the fun police.
Jeff: Okay, well, if I’m the fun police, then you’re director of Funland security.
*everyone groans*
Pierce: Oh, good, more of this.
Jeff: More of what?
Annie: What do you think? The constant bickering. It was cute at first, but well, Abed explains it best.
Abed: To be blunt, Jeff and Britta is no Ross and Rachel. Your sexual tension and lack of chemistry are putting us all on edge, which is why, ironically, and hear this on every level. You’re keeping us from being friends.
Britta: Jeff and I do not have sexual tension, we just argue all the time.
Shirley: Oh, just like Sam and Diane. I hated Sam and Diane.
Annie: Who are Sam and Diane?
Shirley: Okay, we get it, you’re young! Sorry.
Annie: You see what you’re doing to us?
Pierce: Want my advice? Pork her and move on. We did it all the time in my day.
Jeff: Yeah, well, you also put hydrogen in blimps, and that was bad.

Dean Pelton: Hey, everybody. Just a reminder, our spring fling is on the quad today. Music, food, activities. What, what?
Pierce: He makes me uncomfortable.
Dean Pelton: Mm. Still in the room.

Troy: What’s the prize?
Dean Pelton: It was a blue-ray dvd player, but it was stolen. So now it’s “TBD”!
Troy: I want TBD! Is that new?
Pierce: If it’s what I think, I had it for about a month in the 70’s.

Annie: Let’s get back to Britta and Jeff!
Jeff: There’s no “Britta and Jeff”!
Pierce: He said, fully erect.

Jeff: What is going on?
Garrett: The-the paintball game was-was s-starting, and then the dean, the dean announced the-the prize. *The prize!* We-we turned on each other like-like animals!
Jeff: What was the prize?
Garrett: *Was?* This is not over! This is still happening! *Right now!*
*Gets shot by Leonard*
Jeff: Leonard? Leonard! I’m not playing!
Leonard: Everyone’s playing!

Leonard: Awwww….You suck!

Abed: Come with me if you don’t want paint on your clothes.

Troy: Jeff winger, you son of a bitch! I thought you were dead, man.

Jeff: Checkmate, bitches! And tell the drama club their tears will be real today.

Pierce: I’ll stand guard. I don’t need to pee, I’m wearing a diaper for the game.
Jeff: Oh, yeah, “for the game.”

Abed: We can beat the others if we merge alliances.
Britta: We’re doing fine on our own.
Jeff: Yeah? You gonna win the whole game camped on a crapper?
Britta: Worked on you.
Jeff: Did it? Or do you have a gun in your face?
Britta: Yeah, kinda matches yours.
Jeff: Nice comeback.
Everyone: Shut up!
Jeff and Britta: Jeez!

Troy: I am not an ambassador, I am a gladiator.

Abed: *Hears singing in the distance* Glee club.
Britta: How do you know it’s the Glee Club?
Abed: Listen.
Annie: *Hears them singing “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”* Oh, brother. *Gets up* That is *so* uninspired! *Gets shot*
Jeff: I’m not so sure…

Jeff: Write some original songs!

Roller Skater: Study group…come out and play-yay!
Jeff: Oh look! It’s post-ironic Disco Stu, you still trying to bring it back? Damn, he brought it back.

Shirley: I’m going home Brit-ta.
Britta: I know Shirley, I know.
Shirley: No, seriously I’m going home, could you help me up?

Britta: Shirley, I’m gonna win that prize for you and your boys.
Shirley: That’s nice.
Jeff: Shirley, I’m gonna win that prize, but not for you and your boys.
Shirley: That’s less nice.

Dean Pelton: I can’t believe this game is still going on, it’s 2AM! What if someone gets hurt and the police come? They’ll think I’m a bad dean! There’s classes in the morning, this has to stop!
Senor Chang: Shh. Put me in the game, ’cause I’ll take everyone out. I play paintball three times a week, bro. I’m even one of those douche bags that brings in his own equipment.

Jeff: Please tell me you didn’t have sex with me to win at paintball?
Britta: No, I had sex with you and now I’m gonna win at paintball. Don’t be gross.
Jeff: I’m gross? You seem pretty practiced at putting on panties one handed while holding a gun.

Jeff: You sure that’s a gun? ’cause maybe it’s a metaphor for your fake, jaded persona. *click* Uh-oh. No paintballs, Hans? What do you think, I’m stupid?

Senor Chang: Buenos días, children. You’ll be happy to know you made it all the way to the end.
Jeff: You’re not even a student!
Senor Chang: Wrong! Critical Media Literacy and Politics of Gender, bee-yotch!

Jeff: Everybody out there, is shootin’ each other, for nothin’. While you sit here in your ivory tower.
Dean Pelton: Jeffrey, I can explain. I messed up when I promised priority registration. Apparently it’s a violation of some student equality act, BUT *picks up DVD player box* this isn’t, TAADAA! OK now it’s not Bluray, but it comes with it’s own remote. So…
*Jeff shoots up the place*
Dean Pelton: You get it all out of your system?
Jeff *laughing*: Almost! *pulls gun that’s strapped to his back and shoots the Dean in the head*
Dean Pelton: What do you want from me Jeff?
Jeff: Guess!