Contemporary American Poultry

Troy: I think I’m failing psycho-pharmacology.
Britta: Why are you taking that?
Troy: I thought it was a class about crazy farm animals, okay?!

Pierce: Abed, your social skills aren’t exactly “streets ahead.” Know what I mean?
Abed: I don’t.
Jeff: You’re not alone in this case. Pierce, stop trying to coin the phrase “streets ahead.”
Pierce : Trying? Coined and minted! Been there, coined that! “Streets ahead” is verbal wildfire!
Annie: Does it just mean “cool,” or is it supposed to be like, “miles ahead”?
Pierce: If you have to ask, you’re streets behind.

Troy: If God were edible, not that I’m Catholic, but if it was cool to eat God, he’d be a chicken finger.

Abed: His dreadlocks remind me of The Predator, which is weird because you’re doing the actual hunting, and you seem invisible to him.
Britta: Abed, you know what I do? Before I talk, I ask myself, “what am I about to say And how might it affect each person listening?”
Abed: I’m really glad you said that, Britta. The idea that you compulsively filter yourself makes your lack of flavor kind of a flavor.

Jeff: Star-Burns works the frier, and skims fingers. He gives them to people just so they’ll act like he isn’t Star-Burns.
Britta: Well,I may not eat meat, but I am not gonna eat that injustice.

Abed *voice over*: As far back as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be in a mafia movie.

Jeff: To victory, it feels unfamiliar but it tastes like chicken.

Abed: At that moment, we stopped being a family, and started being a family…in italics.

Jeff: Troy, why do you have a monkey?
Troy: Uh, it’s an animal that looks like a dude. Why don’t I have ten of them?

Annie: I am a robot. I am programmed to love this backpack.
Jeff: This is insane.
Britta: More insane than programming them To replace auto workers?

Jeff: You want a shot at the Jeff Winger throne? You better bring a powerful ass. Oh, and for your information, I don’t have an ego. My Facebook photo is a landscape.

Jeff: Abed is drunk with chicken power, he’s gone from lovable Johnny Five to evil HAL.
Pierce: Hal Holb-
Jeff: Not Hal Holbrook.

Pierce: Why should he? Jeff’s so not-
Jeff: Say “streets ahead” and die.
Pierce: Streets ahead.

Shirley: And I caught him stuffing my man full of chicken, and Tyler Perry has a whole series of movies about why that’s wrong.

Troy: He released Annie’s boobs. Annie’s boobs could be anywhere. Annie’s boobs could be on the side of the road.
Shirley: We got it. The monkey’s name is “Annie’s Boobs.”

Jeff: Do you know why I’m here?
Abed: You got caught with a fake bachelor degree. By the way, they started using that as a seasonal arc on Law and Order. Total rip off.

Dean Pelton: Do you know who might have stolen a box of hair nets from the kitchen?
Abed: Someone with hair.
Dean Pelton: I’m gonna write that down.