Comparative Religion

Dean Pelton: Happy last day before winter break, Greendale! Time to visit our loved ones. Some of you will travel as far as 3 miles! Don’t forget to visit our winter wonderland in the quad where we’re giving away catalogs of next semester’s classes, ohhhh! Wow, what’s that sound? Is that the tippy-tapping of secular boots on the roof? Well it must be yet another sign that it ’tis the season because rumor has it that non-denominational Mr. Winter is on his way to the student lounge!

Shirley: I’m so sick of the Dean jamming his PC-ness down my throat.
Jeff: Pierce, I’d like to commend you for letting that one go.
Pierce: “PC-ness.” Now I get it.
Troy: It sounds like “penis”. I just got it too.

Shirley: I made you all a little gift because you’re like my new family.
Annie: WWBJD?
Pierce: If this stands for “What Would Billy Joel Do?”, I’ll tell you right now, he’d write another crappy song.
Troy: …Yeah, in your face, Billy Joel!
*mouths to Annie*
Troy: Who is that?
Annie: *mouths* I don’t know.

Mike: Hey. Hey! You took all the winter-doodles. What are you, a douche bag?
Abed: They’re for my friends, but there’s a lot of other cookies left.
Mike: No, there’s only macadamia nut cookies there, okay? I have a tree-nut allergy.
Abed: Then you should probably stay away from Christmas-tree-shaped cookies.
Mike: Haha-ha! That did not even make allergic sense. What are you, an idiot? *knocks over Abed’s plate of cookies*
Jeff: Okay, we get it. You and the A-Team are awesome, now beat it.
Mike: Oh, look at that. Pretty boy standing up for bird face over here. Give me a Winterdoodle!
Jeff: If you’re trying to be menacing, maybe don’t call the cookie by its name.
Mike: Oh, you’re funny. You’re a funny man. Wanna hear something funny, funny man? Knock-knock. My fist up your balls!
Jeff: Who’s there…?
Dean Pelton: Ho-ho-ho, marry happy!
Mike: This ain’t over. There won’t always be a Dean around, All right?
Pierce: Still waiting on those cookies, Abed.

Abed: Jeff protected my honor. It was like My Bodyguard, but I was the kid from Meatballs, Jeff was the guy from Full Metal Jacket, and the mustache guy was the brother of the guy in Entourage.
Jeff: Thanks for dumbing that down for us.
Abed: You got it.

Pierce: So what’s the deal Jeff, you leave your stones in your other suit? Why didn’t you wrap that guy in the face?
Jeff: For the same reason I floss, have a bed frame, and keep my guitar in its case. I’m over 23.

Britta: No, the real reason men fight is to release their pent-up gayness.
Pierce: That guy wasn’t gay, he had a mustache.

Annie: Why didn’t you do the extra-credit assignments if you knew that you were failing?
Jeff: Because doing more than the minimum work is my definition of failing.

Shirley: Uh, quick question. Are you all coming to my Christmas party right after the final, or are you stopping at home to change into your Christmas outfits?
Annie: *Breaking the silence* I guess I could wear one of my Hanukkah sweaters.
Shirley *Uncomfortable*: Uh, Annie.
Shirley: I didn’t know you weren’t, uh, Christian.
Annie: Yep. One might even say I’m Jewish.
Shirley: Oh, tha-that’s good for you. Tha-that’s wonderful. I respect all religions of the world.
Abed: I’m Muslim.
Troy: Jehovah’s Witness.
Britta: Atheist.
Shirley: The Lord is testing me.

Pierce: Agnostic, the lazy man’s atheist. I’m a born again.
Shirley: Oh.
Pierce: We had a re-birthing ritual in my friend’s hot tub. I’m now a level five laser lotus in my Buddhist community.
Britta: Uh, that does not sound like Buddhism, are you sure you’re not in a cult?
Pierce: Just by asking me that question, you’ve put me down to a level four. You now owe me 2000 energon cubes.
Troy: Do you know how foolish you sound right now? What else do you believe in, blood transfusions?
Shirley: Jehovah’s witnesses are a type of Christian, right, Troy?
Troy: Yeah, but we don’t celebrate birthdays or Christmas, and we can’t drink. But it helps.

Jeff: “True or falso or none of the above?” That doesn’t make any sense.
Mike: Hey, look at that, forehead’s taking a test.
Jeff: Why don’t you get going, Chuck Norris?
Mike: Did you just shoo me?
Britta: Why don’t you just kiss him already?
Mike: Dude, I will shoo your nose down your throat!
Jeff: Senor Chang, can you do something about this?
Senor Chang: I’ll allow it.
Mike: Que pasa here, huh? It’s usted, dude. Even I know that.
Jeff: You picked the wrong day to correct my Spanish, no sleeves. It’s on!
Abed: He’s doing this for me. He’s my bodyguard.
Mike: You wanna dance?
Britta: Maybe to some show tunes?
Jeff: No, I want to beat the crap out of you. And I’m gonna enjoy it, because you’re just like this school. You’re obnoxious, you’re cramping my style, and you smell like french-fry oil.
Mike: I don’t get it!
Jeff: Three o’clock! Bike rack! But not the one by the parking lot!
Mike: Right! The one by the trash cans near the orange cones where they’re building the wheelchair ramp!
Jeff: Yeah.
Senor Chang: Best exam ever. *laughing* That guy’s awesome.

Pierce: I know guys like this Mike, used to be a nerd now he’s a meathead. Dangerous combo. Tyson, Lou Ferrigno, Rosie O’Donnell.

Troy: First time I got punched in the face, I was like, “oh no,” but then I was like, “This is a story.”
Jeff: And a good one.

Mike: Oh, well, look who it is. We got Forehead, Old Head, Dumb Head, and, uh the Other Head. See you at 3, Forehead. Give me a snowman, dork! See this, funny guy? Huh? *staples snowman to his forehead* *laughs* Huh?
Pierce: Classic Rosie.

Mike: Oh, well, look who it is. We got Forehead, Old Head, Dumb Head, and, uh the Other Head. See you at 3, Forehead. Give me a snowman, dork! See this, funny guy? Huh? *staples snowman to his forehead* *laughs* Huh?
Pierce: Classic Rosie.

Troy: Sup? ‘Sup?
Jeff: ‘Sup!
Troy: No, it’s a question. ‘Sup?
Jeff: ‘Sup?
Troy: Not a real question, a rhetorical one. You have the answer. He does not. Okay, then you give him the orest Whitaker eye.
Jeff: Oh, that’s pretty good.
Troy: Mm-hmm. Okay, hold that stare. There you go. Hold it. Then you look straight through his eyes and deep into his soul.
Britta: And then you move to Vermont.
Troy: I am sick and tired of you saying that fighting is gay!
Abed: She’s got a point. You know, in boxing, you fight for the purse and the belt.
Britta: I’ve gotta write a paper about that.

Pierce: Let’s see what we’re working with. Go ahead, throw a few at the old paws.
*Jeff punches pads lightly*
Pierce: *laughs* What are you a North Korean seamstress?
Jeff: Not if that’s bad.
Pierce: Get mad, come on! If it helps, think of me as somebody who annoys you.
*Jeff punches Pierce’s pads hard*
Pierce: Oh, that’s it, That’s, that’s good. Britta, put your blouse back on.
Jeff: *turns and Pierce kicks him* Ohhh! Ow!
Pierce: Boys, this is not a game! You gotta be ready for anything!
Troy: Dude! That is *not* cool.
Pierce: Well, that foxy black girl thinks it is.
*kicks Troy when he turns*
Jeff: What are you doing?
Troy: Why she have to be black?

Shirley: What is going on?
Troy: We’re trying to get Jeff ready for the fiiiiiiiight…I couldn’t think of another word.
Jeff: Idiot. He meant we were figh…ting. It is hard to think of another word.

Jeff: To me, religion is like Paul Rudd. I see the appeal, and I would never take it away from anyone, but I would also never stand in line for it.

Jeff: Oh, come on, Shirley, don’t be mad.
Shirley: I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.
Jeff: That’s “mom” for mad.

Shirley: I did my best to create a special Christmas for my *one* intact family… and this is the thanks I get.
Annie: Shirley, you are a guilt machine.
Pierce: And Annie knows a thing or two about guilt. Am I right, Jew?
Annie: Say the whole word!
Pierce: …Jewie?
Troy: You would never catch a Jehovah’s Witness saying “Jewie.”
Pierce: Tell it to the birthday cake you never got.

Jeff: Can I ask you a question? Are you perpetually on your way to the gym?
Mike: Dude, my life is a gym!
Jeff: Well, ‘sup?
Mike: ‘Sup, man?
Jeff: ‘Sup?
Mike: ‘Sup?
Jeff: ‘Sup?
Mike: ‘Sup? –
Jeff: ‘Sup?
Mike: ‘Sup?
Jeff: ‘Sup?
Mike: ‘Sup?
Jeff: ‘Sup?
Mike: ‘Sup? ‘Sup?
*Jeff tries to make the Forrest Whitaker Eye*
Mike: Whoa. Dude, what is that?

Abed
Oh Christmas Troy.
Oh Christmas Troy.
Thy candles shine so brightly. Oh Christmas Troy.
Oh Christmas Troy.
Much pleasure thou can’st give me
Jeff: Why do you guys make stuff like this?
Troy: Cause it’s fun.
Abed: Yeah.
Abed, Jeff and Troy
The sight of thee at Christmas-tide
Spreads hope and gladness far and wide
Oh Christmas Troy Oh Christmas Troy
Thou tree most fair and lovely
Abed: Don’t move
Troy: This nose smells like special drink.